How to Fail at Lent

My Lenten discipline was not much of a secret this year. I used my determination to actually read my Bible intentionally on a daily basis not only to encourage others but to keep myself accountable. If no one knew, it probably wouldn't have happened. In the past I've been able to stay pretty disciplined on my own about not eating sweets or whatever (and I've done some pretty bizarre things for Lent before!), but getting up early to set aside time for Jesus just isn't my style! Selfishly sleeping in totally is, though. Just telling people that I was going to read all 4 Gospels during Lent was enough to keep me going. No one asked me every day, "Did you read?" but they might have. They might have.

That's not really why I did it though. I've been dying to get closer to my Savior on a personal level. I had to make it happen.

So I found a reading "plan" on some pastor or someone's blog, and I stuck to the schedule every day. I don't think I missed a single day, believe it or not. Even if I miss a day (maybe I forgot that it happened?), I know I was able to make it up quickly, because I never got behind.

And when I got pretty close to Easter, I realized I still had almost half the book of John to read. The schedule stopped at chapter 13 within a matter of days. There are 21 chapters in John.

I failed. The schedule I found online failed me. I did not finish the four Gospels in 40 days. I'm sorry, Jesus.

That's not the important thing, though. In fact, I succeeded. I got into the habit of reading my Bible daily, and I have every intention of continuing that habit, even though it means dragging my weary butt out of bed half an hour earlier. I will eventually finish John, and I will start other books of the Bible after that.

Fasting during Lent isn't always a fast. In my case, it was only a fast of time, of sleep. But I thank God for giving me the strength to pursue him, and I also thank him for letting me fail. This is not a victory of mine, but of God's. If I can give him power over my life and soul, I think he should be allowed to have power over my daily schedule.

I'll fail at this again, I know. Thank God that he will help me succeed again later.


God bless.

Top Ten- Peanuts

My top ten favorite Peanuts characters:

1. Snoopy
2. Linus
3. Charlie Brown
4. Schroeder
5. Sally
6. Franklin
7. Pigpen
8. Marcie
9. Peppermint Patty
10. Lucy
11. Rerun
12. Woodstock
13. The little red-headed girl
14. Spike
15. Olaf

That was 15, not ten. Hm.
I do not consider myself having "cheated" in the making of this list.

Peanuts is fabulous. Charles Schulz is pretty cool too.


God bless.

New

Racing thoughts at the communion rail this morning, on Easter Sunday, produced this poem tonight. It took me roughly 15 minutes to write.

Dirty hands and dead seeds.

A sprout pushes skyward

A shoot, a bud, a flower, life.

Blossom from the womb of womankind

The cry of pain at the moment

Of entering Planet Earth.

Glistening tear on the cheek

Of she who bore this babe.

Choked laughter as she reaches

Out for her tiny beloved

For the first time.

Tiny hands that would one day

Write manuscripts that would become

Ancient in the hands of the old,

Yet printed freshly for millions

Of young ones eager to learn.

Bright, youthful eyes

Hungry for the old that is new still to them

Words containing stories

Story after story after story

Of a single kiss that was new every day

Upon petal lips that grow dry and wither

But in the morning are kissed again

For the very first time.

Lips that shimmer with the glistening tears

That have fallen from relief.

Once dry and parched like a tomb

Now pink and moist like a baby’s cheek

Or a blossoming flower

And new

Newer, newer, newer, daily

Like ancient new texts

And a savior that lives,

Having been killed.

God bless.

An Example of Sin

While there are many wonderful exceptions, it's come to my attention that some Christian music has gone down the crapper. The biggest culprit: sin.

I've heard lyrics similar this:

I lay my life down at Your feet
Cause You're the only one I need
I turn to You and You are always there

In troubled times it's You I seek
I put You first that's all I need
I humble all I am all to You

One way
Jesus
You're the only one that I could live for...

Really? We lay our lives down at the feet of Jesus? I thought he laid his life down for us, but we rejected him! Peter claimed he would never deny Christ, but follow him even until death, yet failed, and rejected him three times.

What about always putting him first and seeking him in troubled times? Yeah right! Evidently the writer of these lyrics has a perfect relationship with Christ, since he never puts anything above him, never seeks solace in worldly things.

"I humble all I am all to You." Humble? Hmph! Doesn't sound like it. If you have to tell other people how humble you are, you shouldn't have to say so. Actions speak louder than words.

And finally, "You're the only one that I could live for." I would be okay if it said, "You're the only one that I should live for," but it doesn't. This person is claiming to live only for Christ! Let me tell you, the only one capable of being that good is Christ himself, and he didn't even live for himself; he lived and died for sinners like us. This song barely talks about the goodness of Christ, but doesn't fail to boast of the goodness of the song's author.

Yes, I know I am seriously getting on the case of a very well-known and respected Christian music artist, but it's only one example of the widespread self-glorification I see in Christian music. Am I wrong to say these things? Am I being vain?

If I thought I was any better than the modern Christian artists who do this, I would be definitely be at fault in saying these things. But I admit that I'm not. I have been vain. I have loved myself much more than I have loved God. I have turned to worldly things for comfort and strength. I admit that I'm a sinner.

We need more songs like this one:

Chorus:
I'm not all right
I'm broken inside
Broken inside
And all I go through
It leads me to You
It leads me to You

Burn away the pride
Bring me to my weakness
Until everything I hide behind is gone

And when I'm open wide
With nothing left to cling to
Only you are there to lead me on
‘Cause honestly I'm not that strong

Chorus:

And I move (3x's)
And I move closer to you
And I move (3x's)
And I move closer to you
And I move (3x's)

Chorus:

I'm not all right that's why I need you


Now there's some honesty in music!

I love praise songs, don't get me wrong. But they should focus on praising you-know-who rather than ourselves. Am I right?!

I struggle not to put myself on a pedestal, as I mentioned earlier, and I need the Christian music around me not to encourage that evil mindset, but to put me in my place! I am a sinner, and in desperate need of a God who is good! The music we listen to affects our thoughts, and I'd hate to think that the Christian music being blared through the speakers is encouraging a sinful mindset.

As Christians we need to admit that we're sinners. In fact, we should brag that it is only through Christ that we can even resemble goodness; only through him that we have grace and eternal life. I was creeping on my friend Phil's facebook to find that his About Phil section reads: The worst of sinners. And also very stupid. His religious views section also simply reads: sinner. 

I admire the people that are more than willing to admit their sin, their need for grace. Can't we all be a little more like that? Wouldn't that be what truly brings us closer to our Savior, rather than claiming we are the ones always running toward him?

Thank you, Dad and Mike for inspiring this post. Also the Holy Spirit.

Love, a sinner.


God bless.

Mid-Mission Trip

Check out the blog we're keeping while we're on our Jamaican Mission trip, and the guest post I wrote today!

http://capcrujamaica2013.blog.com/2013/02/26/evangelizing-day-one-maryann/


God bless.

Answered Prayer

In lieu of studying for an exam tomorrow, I am writing this brief blog post. FYI.

This recent facebook status of mine got over 50 "likes": 

"For those of you told that I was going to Yellowstone this summer, I lied. My Cru summer project will be in Juneau, Alaska. Also, no big deal, but I will be in Kingston, Jamaica next week. I asked God for an adventure and he's given me two (so far!). What a good and generous God I have!"

If you will recall this old, somewhat vulnerable, blog post from last October, you will understand perhaps a little better. I encourage you to read it even if you did when I posted it:

http://musiclaughtersilence.blogspot.com/2012/10/restlessness.html

God is a sneaky and awesome guy. He is giving me 2(two) adventures, and in those adventures I hope, no, expect to find more passion for Christ, build incredible relationships, see God's magnificent handiwork and stare in awe of it, and let my life be changed.

Stay tuned to hear all about my Kingston adventures. I may post pictures when I get back. If you're good.

God bless.

I Am Beautiful.

Sometimes people laugh at me because I compliment myself. If someone catches me looking at myself in the mirror, they may occasionally hear me say things like, "I'm so beautiful," "I look gorgeous today," or even specific things like, "I love my eyes" or "my skin is really soft." Evidently, this is considered weird by many people, and often, vain. People have even said to me, "That's really conceited," implying that I shouldn't see myself this way.

Ann Kearney-Cooke, Ph.D., says, “It’s become such an accepted norm to put yourself down that if someone says she likes her body, she’s the odd woman out. I was in a group discussion recently, and when one woman said, ‘I actually feel OK about the way I look,’ another woman scrunched up her face and said, ‘I have never in my whole life heard anyone say that—and I’m not sure I even believe you.’ That’s how pervasive this negative body talk is. It’s actually more acceptable to insult your body than to praise it.”

But is the fact that I'm in the mere 2% of women globally (Dove study) who see themselves as beautiful really a bad thing? Why do I feel this way? And does it really reflect my actual physical attractiveness? Does it reflect who I am on the inside? How much does it even matter? The more I think about this topic, the more I wonder about these questions.

I have not always been on this side of the spectrum, and even now I occasionally find myself putting myself down. Although my self-esteem is much improved from what it was in the past, I still joke about being fat when I get up to get dessert in the cafeteria. But it's not a big deal to me. Not anymore.

I wonder if my position and self-image would be different if I had been brought up differently, if people had commented on my appearance differently, or if I actually physically looked differently. Growing up, I have almost no recollection of my parents (or anyone else) commenting on my physical appearance; no one telling me I was beautiful or anything of that nature. The sole instance I can think of is when my aunt commented on how my eyes get bluer when I'm in the sunlight and how I have long, "piano" fingers that she envied. I was flattered of course, but it was strange to become aware of my own appearance for once.

According to glamour.com, "In a University of Central Florida study of three- to six-year-old girls, nearly half were already worried about being fat—and roughly a third said they wanted to change something about their body." This statistic gets even worse when children age: 81% of 10-year-olds are afraid of being fat (psychcentral.com).

Norman Rockwell

Meanwhile, I was virtually naïve of the fact that my appearance meant anything at all. My parents wisely stressed inner beauty by teaching me about Jesus and how to follow his example.

"Mommy, does this leotard make me look fat?" (me on left, roommate/best friend on right)

It wasn't until late elementary school when culture finally caught up to me and I started to feel self-conscious about my clothes, 7th grade until I felt embarrassed by my crooked, gapped teeth and acne, 8th grade until I realized my eyebrows were "too thick," and 9th grade until I looked into the mirror and told myself for the first time that I was "fat." While these are all obviously bad things, I feel blessed that I was so unaware for so long, that it wasn't until I was much older than most girls that I felt this way.

braces, make-up, and a really awkward eyebrow-plucking job (9th grade)

Almost no one ever called me ugly or fat, and when they did, I don't think they meant it; they were just trying to be mean (although I'm sure I was much more affected then than I am now). But in high school, boys started calling me pretty and beautiful, and I drank it in. To this day, I absolutely relish hearing someone, especially someone of the male gender, praise my appearance.

I have chosen taken their word as truth, and to take the word of the pictures I see in media that tell me I don't measure up and need to do better by buying such-and-such a product as a lie. To me, that makes sense. If you see a commercial advertising some sort of gadget, their claims that this product would change your life and make you a thousand times happier would probably roll right off you. But if someone you know and trust tells you they bought this product and it changed their life and made them a thousand times happier, you would probably be pretty tempted to at least check it out, if not buy it for yourself. So it is with self-perception of beauty. If someone you know and trust tells you you're beautiful, what reason do you have not to believe them? But if a magazine tells you, or even simply implies, that you're not as beautiful as the photo-shopped model in the picture, what reason do you have to believe them? None! You're being sold something!

So, where am I now, and what does all this say about me? For the most part, I feel confident and happy with myself. I admit to having many more flaws with my "inner" beauty than my "outer" beauty, although both are far from perfect. I rarely wear make-up because I don't feel the need for it (although it's fun randomly and on special occasions), I had enough confidence to get dreadlocks, and I dress nicely most days. As I like to say, "you dress how you feel." I even feel confident enough to look like this:

On the internet for all to see. No shame.

Today, I posed this question on a facebook status:
If a woman looks in the mirror and thinks or says, "Wow, I am beautiful," what does that imply? Is it healthy or vain?
Here are some of my favorite comments so far (although all responses were valuable):

-It's healthy to have a dose of confidence.
-Depends on how they see others.
-I think it's healthy without the 'Wow'. ;)
-Its only vain if they announce to people that theyre pretty
-I think in front of the mirror, it's healthy. If she consciously carries that thought with her, it might be vain
-I believe it depends on whether a woman puts her identity in her physical beauty


Maybe some of you are, even now, comparing yourself to me. "She has it easy! She's pretty and skinny! How can she expect someone like me to just accept the way I look and be happy?"

First of all, I would like to point out that according to glamour.com, "thin and average-weight women were just as likely to insult themselves as overweight ones." Actual physical appearance surprisingly makes little difference in how women feel about themselves. I know there are flaws on my body. I know I still struggle with acne well past adolescence, I know I'm not nearly as fit as I could be, I know I sometimes have bags under my eyes, I know I have weird feet that pronate when I walk, and I am fully aware that many people judge me because I have unconventional hair.

I could easily obsess over all those things as much as anyone else does about their respective flaws. But I don't. I look in the mirror, take note of how I look, possibly fix what I can, and move on. Why worry about what I can't control, or even what I can control?

I honestly feel like I'm bragging, and I'm trying hard not to. My point is not: I'm pretty and you're not so haha. My point is that I'm happy with the way I look, and the way I am. Yes, I know there's room for improvement, but why should I insult God's creation of my body? I should praise the body he made for me, the creature he put my soul into, and be grateful for its health and capabilities (Psalm 139:14)! I should openly praise the bodies of other women as well, because they're just as much a part of a good creation as I am! Most importantly, I should focus on bettering my spirit rather than bettering my physical attractiveness. (1 Peter 3:3-4, Proverbs 31:30)

What's my point? What am I trying to tell you? Why does all this matter?

Many of the websites I looked at (which I have cited in this post) talked about the problem, then possible ways to fix said problem. One website claimed that beauty has little to do with it, that this was a "happiness" issue or a "stress" issue (glamour.com). Worrying about your body is just an outlet for deeper struggles. There is probably truth in that. But...

Simply knowing that God created you and intended for you to be beautiful might not be enough. But is "seeking happiness" really the solution? Surely "getting prettier" isn't--we're stuck in the bodies we got.

This takes a whole re-wiring of the brain to fix negative thoughts. This takes practice. This takes reminders. This takes writing the word "beautiful" and "wonderfully made" on the bathroom mirror in lipstick. This takes prayer. This takes mentally yelling "Stop! Shut up! You are lying!" to that voice in your head that is constantly insulting you. This takes focusing on other things, especially inner beauty. Physical exercise is good, but this is a mental exercise, and it may take a while to get your mind in shape. This is important because our body is a temple (1 Corinthians 6:19-20), but it is more important because our physical beauty isn't where our attention should be in the first place.

You are welcome to email me with any private questions. Anything else, comments or questions, leave a comment!

God bless.

P.S. Thank you Brenna for your sources, and thank you facebook friends for your input on my status.