Kohl's was all confusing because they just had their grand re-opening, so a lot of things were re-arranged. Being as disconcerted as I was, I wandered around aimlessly for a good 5 minutes before I got the presence of mind to look at clothes.
I ended up getting the only dress I tried on--a cute but modest jean dress, and some brown high heels. Sarah later told me they would make me look like a cowgirl.
Exactly how my dress looks (except in denim):
I had a coupon for $10 off and 20% off so it was rather inexpensive (as both of them were already on sale in the first place) and paid with Mom's Kohl's card. I was feeling pretty good about my purchase. Side note: a lot of times when I am shopping with other people and they decide to buy something, I ask them how they feel about their purchase or whether they felt their shopping trip was a success. I was shopping by myself, but if I had asked myself this question at this time, I would have said I felt pretty good about my experiences so far.
Then Walmart came to my life: the big, looming, colorful American-made warehouse made of fake yellow smiles.
I wandered around feeling depressed because I was alone (although it must have only been self-conscious because it didn't dawn on me until the drive home that this weird sad shopping feeling occurs much more frequently when I shop alone), and anxious because the refrigerated section of the store dries out my eyes. And let me tell you. Dry eyes make me squint, and squinting makes my eyes tired, and tired eyes trick my brain into thinking my whole body is tired, and I become physically fatigued.
But the biggest struggle is not the aloneness, or the dry eyes/physical fatigue. It is is deciding what to buy.
Yes, I had a list. Food products and lady products were basically what it consisted of. But buying panties involves a lot of discernment and focus. You want the best kind for the best price, and you have to decide what looks good on you without trying anything on. And when it comes to food, pretty packaging makes everything look delicious, but you know you can't buy all the food in Walmart because there's no way you'll eat it all. You just wish you could.
You know it's bad when you constantly have to battle yourself over whether or not to buy something. If something looks cool, you want to buy it. Then you remember it will cost money and that you can't just go spending your money willy-nilly based on impulses and whims. So if you decide to buy it you will feel depressed because you spent money you shouldn't have, and if you decide not to buy it, you will feel depressed because you didn't get that thing you wanted. And you just stand there gazing at the product feeling depressed.
For example, this happened to me when I was walking past the swimsuits on my way to the food section. I thought, "Ooh, I could use a new swimsuit for camp this summer! Something cute but modest. Something I don't have to wear a t-shirt over like I have done in the past." And I browsed all kinds of swimsuits. Then I saw it: The perfect most adorable little swimsuit skirt I have ever seen. It would adequately cover my rear and it was oh-so-cute. Then I saw the price tag: $16, and it didn't even come with a top. Ahhhh, inner turmoil! I had to turn down the offer. It was just too much money. It was horrible.
I feel like the devil manifests himself in Walmart (and virtually all places to shop) because of how talented he is at appealing to people's selfishness. Especially mine.
And so I drove home rubbing my recovering eyes and feeling sad and upset with myself, all because I had bought food and other various things that I legitimately needed.
I have yet to figure out what to do to solve this problem for when I go shopping, but I think I'll take a friend along as often as possible to distract me from my own self-serving tendencies and self-loathing nature. And I might also take along a few eye drops.
God bless.
*Please note: I have nothing against Walmart itself. If you are a devout Walmart customer, or if you work at Walmart, or if you have any association with Walmart whatsoever, I promise I think no less of you for it, and I am honored that you are reading my blog. Thank you.
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