I wouldn't exactly say that I have the fear of heights. I can be up in a tall building, or even an airplane, and feel no fear whatsoever. Heck, I sleep on the top bunk of the bed for most of the year.
But I have a thing with ladders, and I have a thing with jumping.
It's hard to define both of them, because not everything about these things scares me.
When it comes to ladders, I am not afraid of ladders themselves. I can look at them, I can be around them. What I am afraid of is climbing them. Sometimes. I think the best way to explain it would be a feeling of insecurity, which means not all ladders scare me, because not all ladders are insecure. But most are.
A ladder that you have to take out, unfold, set up yourself, etc. = bad. How can a lightweight, foldy thing possibly bear my weight? Sometimes at the summer camp I work at, I actually have to climb them, and I always get short of breath and insist that someone hold down the other side and keep it steady. If it is leaning against a wall, that's still not good enough. Someone has to hold onto it from underneath. Believe it or not, even smallish step-ladders make me a bit nervous. Actually, just moveable ladders in general. They're terrifying. I'll climb them, but I'll probably die if I do.
A ladder that is built into a wall or some other sturdy structure = no problem. It's not an issue with myself. I mean, of course I trust my own strength (have you seen my guns?), and if I feel I can trust whatever the ladder is built into, then I'm good. For example, I climbed up the built-in ladder at the end of my bunk bed in my dorm room all the time, because I trusted the bed not to topple over and crush me. But a hook ladder you attach to a bunk bed and can move around--no. That thing is not firmly attached to anything and will probably kill me. Furthermore, the ladder on Turtle Island (the tree loft at my camp) is totally fine with me. It's a big wooden structure that I put my trust in. I even let go of the rungs with both my hands in order to close the door (difficult and sometimes painful to do, but actually not scary).
Now for jumping. I am scared of jumping off of high things usually. The zip line at the climbing wall at camp... no. Well, okay, the zip line itself is fine, even fun, but initially jumping off the platform is basically impossible for me. I actually can't bring myself to do it. The two times I've used the zip line, I had the person at the top push me off.
When I was little, I took swimming lessons, and to pass the course I had to jump off the diving board. Just once. I stood at the end of that board freaking out for who knows how long (seconds? hours? months?) and when it became clear that I couldn't jump off, a lifeguard snuck up behind me and pushed me off so I could pass the class.
I have jumped off a few diving boards in my day, but not many. I haven't done it in years, nor have I even jumped off the side of a pool in years. (Part of that now has to do with not wanting to immerse my dreads in water, but that's a conversation for another day.)
I'll jump off of a short wall if I think it's short enough that I won't break my ankle. But I won't jump off a swing. And I don't suppose I would ever, ever, ever, jump out of a plane.
Oh, and I also hate roller coasters. I don't feel like psychoanalyzing myself anymore, so I don't know exactly why, or if that has to do with my "fear". But they're terrifying nevertheless.
Why do I climb the rock wall if I'm scared of jumping off the zip line at the top? Why do I climb ladders even when I really don't want to? Because God did not give me a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and self-discipline (2 Timothy 1:7). I climb that ladder because of the spirit of love that causes me to want to serve. I climb that rock wall and jump off the zip line because I want to remind myself that God is in control.
And I jump off the diving board because... never mind, I don't. Ha.
God bless.
Nice post! I learned some new things about you. :)
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