How to Facebook

I'm addicted to facebook. So what? Facebooking is a cultural standard. If you're not on facebook, you basically don't exist. This post is in honor of my brother getting a facebook for the very, very first time the other day.

Everyone should be a proficient facebooker. If you aren't, how can you know if you are proficiently existing? This easy-to-follow guide will show you how.

1. Check facebook 5+ times a day. Unless you are on facebook once for the entire day, which counts as well. So, check it a minimum of 5 times, or for a minimum duration of two hours.

2. Stop talking to friends in real life. Friends are only real if they're fbo (facebook official), so you only need to communicate with them through a computer screen now. How convenient! This is also an efficient way to talk to multiple friends at a time, even if all of you are in different parts of the world.

3. "Share" every post that you spend more than three seconds looking at. If it makes you chuckle, even just a little, the rest of the world needs to see it too. Also share everything that you agree with politically.

4. Similarly, your statuses, which should be posted as frequently as possible, should cover every slightly-above-mundane thought that crosses your mind.

5. Invite all your friends to play your awesome, time-killing, brain-mushing games with you, such as Farmville or...whatever. And when other friends invite you to play their games, always accept. Never, ever block the apps of the games you get invited to.

6. Speaking of blocking, never block anything unwanted that shows up in your newsfeed. Someone shared or posted it because they knew you needed to see it, whether you wanted to or not.

7. When you're single, you should have your relationship status as married to your best friend. And your other best friend should be listed as your mother or something clever like that.

8. If you're not single, all your posts should be about your significant other. Because we all want to know how happy you are with that person and how much you're in love! Everyone loves a good love story, right??

9. Post pictures of the dinner you just made. ALWAYS.

10. If you ever post anything or do anything on another website, share it to facebook. Once again, the rest of the world needs to see it because they want to know what you're doing all the time. Your life is that important!

11. Creep on all your friends and like/comment on everything they post. And then forget about it, so that when they talk to you about what they posted in real life (if you ever see that person in real life), you look like a fool.
Them: So I went to the funeral on Saturday... it was pretty hard for me.
You: What funeral?
Them: My grandma's! You commented on my status saying you were sorry for my loss and that you were here for me!
You: I did? When?

12. Add people as friends that you've never met because you think they look nice in their profile picture. Or because they sit on the other side of the classroom. After all, having as many facebook friends as possible makes you look popular and that's what's really truly important in this life.

13. Spelling doesn't matter. Don't even try.


Well, there you go, folks! Now you know how to facebook, brought to you by one of the experts! Feel free to add your own tips in the comments!

"Facebook wants you to think it's a place where things are always happening, that things are constantly going on so you always need to be checking it. It's disgusting. I love it." -Phil quoting Kyle


God bless.