Who Am I?

There is a question I have been pondering for a while, and will probably be fussing over for the rest of my life: Who am I?

Like I have a clue!
But I think I have a better idea than I did a few months ago.

I got quite upset during a conversation with Anthony one afternoon when he harassed me with this same question. I think he cared more about whether or not I had a good answer than whether or not he knew the answer for himself. I remember laughing nervously in my befuddlement, then apologizing for laughing. He must have been pretty amused by my emotional outburst spawned from such a simple question.

Finally, Anthony changed the wording enough that I managed to sputter, "I'm a woman of God." But then I got one of his classic lectures: "I would challenge you to explore this more."
 "Why? Why is it important? I spend so much time thinking about myself that I avoid knowing myself well so that I don't obsess over my own personality, which I struggle with enough as is!"
Then he proceeded to tell me that not knowing myself well would hurt my witness. He made some sort of sense when he said it. Something about evangelizing to people with compatible personalities.
"Well," I said, "how can I even know myself well? There are too many inconsistencies with me. What might be true about me sometimes will not be true all the time. How can I be even one character trait 100% of the time?"
"You can't, but you can have things that are mostly true about you."

This conversation came toward the end of a long summer when I had been undergoing a lot of personal change anyway. I was still becoming somebody. In fact, when will that ever not be true? I will never be the same person even from day to day. Literally the only thing I can think of that will remain static is my identity in Christ: I will always be his daughter. Everything else will change. Even my body will age and change. Some of the most defining characters of me have changed already; I'm not even sure I'm a total introvert anymore.

Still, I felt challenged by Anthony's demands for me to tell him who I was. In my head, I came up with the perfect opening to a follow-up conversation that never happened. "Anthony, have you ever heard the phrase, 'anyone driving slower than me is an idiot and anyone driving faster than me is a maniac'? No? Well, it's a thing. I think it really helps describe why it is so hard for me to know myself. I am my own standard of normal. I think almost everyone is like that, actually. If someone is braver than me, even a little, I think of them as being brave. Conversely, if anyone is just a little more timid than I am, I think of them as timid. Because I am my own standard of normal. I am the zero on any geometrical plane that I put other people on. Therefore I have no way of comparing myself to what is truly 'normal.'"

Despite all this, I began to legitimately consider phrases that might describe me. I quickly realized that I had to rely heavily on what other people said about me to know, which may be a good thing or may be a very, very bad thing.

I have two basic and very definitive sides: thoughtful...

and goofy...

I am not afraid to do what I want. I am confident...

I am bold, straightforward, honest, and blunt. I don't sugar-coat or water-down...

I am encouraging to others...

I am beautiful...

I am funny...

I am unique...

So okay. That's a good enough description for me. Now if some people who hate me are able to shed some light on what they think of me too, maybe I can get a more well-rounded picture instead of all the kind input my friends have. Not that I surveyed them or anything.

Now that I have put "Maryann" into words a little better, the real question becomes, How much does any of that even matter? How do I measure up to Christ? Isn't that where all comparisons should lie anyway? I don't want to make a list for that (me with Christ as the standard of normal), because I can't expose my sin and shame to the internet like that, the way I can with the good things about me...

When you put me next to Christ, I suck. Sorry to put it so foully. It's absolutely true.

But I am his daughter and he loves me.
I am a woman of God.

Isn't that a good enough answer for you, Anthony?
“How is it possible to spend all these years with myself and yet understand so little of who I am? This is just another answer that I don’t have.” -Josh Riebock

P.S. With all due respect to Anthony, he is a great, Godly, thoughtful man, and despite the difficult soul-searching he has caused me to do, I am grateful for it.


God bless.