Letting Go of Marriage

I have to be honest: marriage is something I've always looked forward to. Literally my whole life. I was roughly preschool-aged when I got my first crush. Even as a little girl (before I had a clue about the birds and the bees), I lied in bed and wondered what it must be like to have someone lying in bed beside me, looking into my eyes as we fell asleep.

In pursuit of my dream of marriage, I have made some rough mistakes:

-I got my first "boyfriend" at age 11 (mostly because my friend pressured me into it. Evidently, she found it preposterous that I had never had one before!)
-I had other boyfriends after that, throughout middle school and into high school. Nothing too long, no relationships that were too close together, but still. Nothing worthwhile either.
-When I finally landed a really great guy, I nagged and pressured him to be perfect. I'm aware that certain wives do this, and I'm blessed to have learned my lesson early on, even though he eventually pushed me away because of it.
-I settled for another "Christian" guy with little passion for Christ and with very little backbone. Meanwhile I selfishly pressured him to do things he wasn't ready for.


This is far from a laundry list of errors. I'd rather not share all my sins with the general public. Not today, anyway.

But there was something I had wrong the whole time: marriage is not the answer, the ending, or the cure.

Marriage is not something for a woman to pursue. Marriage is not going to fix loneliness. Marriage is not found easily. Marriage should not be manipulated (and neither should men). Marriage will not replace my relationship with Christ.

I don't know what messed me up. I don't know what went wrong growing up to make me this way. I've said to friends before, "I don't know, I'm just wired to be boy-crazy!"

I suppose that's what makes me feminine. It's normal for me to be attracted to men! But it's not okay for me to look at every nice, attractive young man I see and search their face for any sign that they like me, any sign that "this one might work." In fact, that's totally selfish. But it's what I do. It's the sin I still face daily.

So anyway, here's what God has been working on me recently:

-Not noticing guys (this one is taking a long time to get the hang of)
-Reading the book "Sacred Singleness" by Leslie Ludy and starting to come to terms with my singleness; even begin to enjoy and thrive in it
-Diving into a more intimate relationship with him. This takes on many forms: I try to go on weekly dates with Jesus, converse with him daily, sing to him. Tonight on a long drive, I played CDs full of love songs and sang along to him.
-Letting go of my dreams of marriage. It's slowly working! Honestly, romance is one of the last things I want in my life right now. The whole idea of "romance" kind of makes me gag. Well, that's an exaggeration, but what I really want in relationships (with Jesus, friends, a husband, etc.) is intimacy, companionship, honesty, service, and quality time. If a man wants to woo me, he's not going to succeed if he offers me "I love you"'s and rose petals and red hearts and kisses and a big shiny rock. No, he's going to have to do it the same way Jesus is doing it, because Jesus' way is working.

I am falling more and more in love with him. It's a battle, because the devil is always pulling me back, but I will keep pushing toward Christ as he pushes toward me until the day when we can finally be united in each others' arms, literally married for eternity. (By the way, did it ever occur to you that our relationship with God is not a metaphor for marriage, but marriage is a metaphor of our relationship with God? That is the real deal. An earthly marriage is only temporary.)

It's a work in progress. You may see more about these heart changes in me later. To see how this all kind of got rolling, please read this excellent post from a few months ago: Femininity. If you read it and are wondering: Yes, I do wear skirts every day now, and I love it! I do think it subtly reminds me of who I am: a beloved woman of Christ.

By the way, a huge thank you to women in my life like my Aunt Amy and Debbie Douglass who show me what it's like to be Godly, content, thriving single women. If I never get married, I would be overjoyed to be like them.


God bless.