Gods that Fail

About a week and a half ago, a professor at my school killed himself. He was a jazz pianist, taught music in the conservatory, and had been having hearing problems for almost two years. It was the kind where the brain confuses music for noise like clanging pots and pans; ugly, dissonant chaos. This, in turn, caused his depression.

I didn't personally know this man, so I don't know what he was like before he began to suffer from this terrible ailment. I don't know his priorities, his joys, his lifestyle. Forgive me, but I'm going to make some assumptions in order to explain something that I think is essential to understand or at least consider.

My first two and a half years of school were spent as a music major. I eventually wised up and realized that my true passion was psychology, so I dropped out of the conservatory. During that time, though, I met quite a few other music majors. Obviously.

I was astounded at how much this people loved, adored, and worshiped music. Music was the sun their lives revolved around. In fact, I was in a class my freshman year where the professor would recite, "Music is a lifestyle," and the class would respond in unison, "...not a hobby." Many students were so enthusiastic about chanting this one line. (I, on the other hand, refused to join in. I am a very honest person and simply wouldn't renounce my lifestyle where music was, frankly, only a hobby.)

Die-hard music majors spent every spare moment in practice rooms. They got music-related tattoos. Voice majors sang operatically to themselves as they walked down the sidewalk. They only hung out with other music majors, and they only talked about music. I could barely stand to eat a meal with one of these groups because I wanted so desperately to talk about something other than music for once.

Music was their god, the god that wouldn't fail them. Music is forever. Music permeates lives; music expresses the most vibrant ecstasy and the most heart-shattering sorrows. It is full of endless possibilities yet it is unified and all-encompassing.

But sometimes, music does fail. Sometimes, music turns to clanging.

When the god of your heart fails you with no hope of ever being there for you again, what is the point of living?

Of course, music is not the only god. Many, many people worship happiness. Happiness is often seen as the highest good. We search for it, strive for it, try everything to achieve it (in some cases, mistaking it for pleasure). When it eludes us, with no hope of it ever returning or even making the smallest appearance, when depression or anxiety gets the better of us, our meaning for life has been dissolved. Our god of happiness has abandoned us.

The same can be said for love; certain relationships. How many times has a separation from a loved one, such as a divorce or death, left someone contemplating suicide?

I am sure there are plenty more examples of this.

I'm not saying that a failed god is the only motivator for suicide. The majority of suicides are an attempt to end psychological pain, a trigger that may come about in any number of ways. I theorize that one type of psychological pain results from the god of someone's heart failing them, causing loss of hope and loss of meaning.


However, I believe that I have found a god that cannot fail. That god is God.

The god of my heart is all-knowing: he understands my desires, my strengths, my thoughts, my weaknesses, my emotions, and my needs.

The god of my heart is all-loving: he will work things out for my good even when I'm not happy with it (like a parent disciplining their child out of love).

The god of my heart is all-just: he does not turn a blind eye toward evil. He breaks down sobbing alongside us when we suffer.

I understand that there is evil and suffering in this world. I know it looks like God has failed his people, his creation, because he hasn't made everything all better. But God is also all-patient: we haven't reached the end of the story yet. The clock is still ticking.

The god of my heart is all-powerful: he can do something about this. He will not fail.

The god of my heart revealed these traits when he showed Death that even it has no power over neither him nor his people.

My god is God, and he is the god that does not and will not fail. It is because of him that I have a reason to live.


If you have a hard time understanding how this can possibly be true because of the evil and suffering in this world, I recommend "The Problem of Pain" by C.S. Lewis.

If you feel like God has failed you, I would love to address it, but I can't anticipate the nuances of your situation in order to write about it here, so please email me at maryannkbennett@gmail.com and I will be happy to correspond with you about it. I'm not famous or popular or even that busy, so don't feel like it would be a burden to me to hear from you.

Thanks, as always, for reading.


God bless.