About an hour ago, perhaps, I finished reading Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close by Jonathan Safran Foer. Apparently it is also a movie, but I have not seen it and probably will not make a strong effort to, because the book works so well as a book and I don't see how a movie could do it justice at all. People that I've talked to who have read the book and seen the movie actually do say that the movie does not do the book justice, although they say it is still a good movie.
Anyway.
I strongly recommend this book. Even though it will make you sad, or very sad, it will probably actually be worth it. It was for me.
Halfway through, I was reading it in my friend Travis's room when I looked up and told him that he would like the book because of the way it's written and the way it makes you think a lot and the way it uses interesting, unexpected words, which Travis is in the habit of doing. So he told me that he would consider reading it when I finish.
So, even though I left a few notes in the pages for Travis (which I will not describe to you on the off-chance he reads this post), I'm not going to lend it to him right away because, believe it or not, I had to read the book for a class, and we haven't been tested on it yet.
It was for Social/Personality Psychology, which is taught by a professor whom I very much disliked last time I had a class with him, on account of his conceit and because he offended and embarrassed me once. I'm warming up to him a little now though. A little.
I don't know what the book has to do with Social/Personality Psychology. I'm a psychology major. I should be able to pick up on this sort of thing. But I can't think of things like this academically, which is why I want to go into counseling, not research, and why I've never taken a class on the Bible.
Of course the boy in the book has a strong and extremely interesting personality, but how can I describe it? I love the way he thinks, but I have no idea how he thinks.
Anyway, what should I say about the book? What can I say about the book?
It made me think a lot about war. It made me spend a solid 45 minutes watching 9/11/2001 TV coverage on youtube, and many more minutes replaying that coverage in my mind, as well as thinking back to my experiences that day and how clueless I was to the significance of it. I was nine years old. The main character in the book was seven.
It made me think about safety and how much of an illusion it is. How any moment, a terrorist attack could become a reality for me, or a shooting, or a car accident, or some bizarre freak thing like me or someone I love falling out of bed and breaking my/their neck.
It made me think about safety and how much of a reality it is for me. How death could happen at any moment, and when that moment comes, I will, without question, become more alive than ever before. How I am absolutely assured of eternal life in paradise, no matter what happens to me here on this alien planet. Most of the people in the book, including the main character, do not believe in God, but the book still caused me to think about these things.
I certainly don't look forward to dying, but I certainly look forward to death because of what it means for me. Don't worry, I'll wait, of course.
The book made me think about children and how fragile they are. It made me think about the importance of friendship and family.
The book made me think about language: the way people talk, the words they use, and how people convey meaning.
I suppose the book made me think about love, but not in a way that I've never thought about love before. I think the book was about love in many ways, but isn't that normal? Isn't life about love in many ways?
The book made me think of more things, but those were the big things, and I've just about had enough metacognition for one night.
I highly recommend this book. I hope that it does not make you too sad. It's a fine piece of literature, and even, sometimes, fun to read. I couldn't put it down. The ending was not sad.
God bless.
Saturday, October 5, 2013
Wednesday, September 25, 2013
How to Snoop: A book review
For Social/personality Psychology, I read a book called SNOOP: What your stuff says about you by Dr. Sam Gosling. I have a group presentation on it on Monday, but that is muchly beside the point.
Here's what I learned: snooping is hard. That is, creeping on people's stuff and living spaces and making inferences about their personality based on your findings is easier read than done.
The most obvious person to snoop on is my fabulous roommate, Jessi. But even that has left me stumped. Maybe it would be easier with someone I don't know, to go into their room and say, "This person is probably like this" before I ever meet them. Theoretically (although it was not written at all to be a self-help book), SNOOP can help me make judgments about people: prospective boyfriends, friends, coworkers, whatever. But I can't even figure out myself that well based on what I read.
I'm supposed to, specifically, use my findings to determine the personality traits included in the OCEAN Big Five: Openness, Conscientiousness, Extraverted, Agreeableness, and Neuroticism.
Here's how I rank (roughly) based on my snooping on myself:
I rank just a little above-average on openness.
I rank pretty highly on conscientiousness.
No evidence based on my belongings whether or not I rank highly in extraversion (although I already know that I rank pretty low).
Also no evidence on whether or not I rank highly in agreeableness (although I think I am a little below-average).
I am above average on neuroticism.
Here's why:
Openness is determined by weirdness of stuff (my words, not Dr. Gosling's.), as well as craft supplies and variety of books. I think decorations also might have something to do with it.
I have a few weird things, like a glass bottle of bassoon reeds and a rug made out of cut-up t-shirts. I would also have a vase with my dreads sticking out of it if it didn't gross/weird out my roommate. I don't have a huge variety of books, though. I have craft supplies (mostly paper) that I don't use a whole lot, because although I'm not crafty, sometimes I like to pretend I am. And I always like to have my space decorated, of course.
Conscientiousness is determined by maintained organization and a sense of everything having "its place."
I may not be a minimalist by any means, but everything certainly has a place, of course. I am very particular about the way I fold my underwear (and was practically flabbergasted last year when I found out that my roommate, Amy, doesn't fold hers at all!). Dirty clothes go in the basket on the right side of my closet, and worn-but-not-dirty-enough-to-be-washed-yet go in a pile in front of my closet. (Like I said, not obviously organized, but if someone messed with this system, I would be pretty upset.) I maintain an alphabetized system of organizing my DVDs. In fact, the only thing in my room that I can think of that doesn't have a system or rightful place is my desk drawer, which is more or less "miscellaneous" junk anyway.
Neuroticism is only determined (in living spaces) by motivational posters. Which I have a few of, in the form of Bible verses. That's just great.
Well, anyway. I feel like I've talked about myself too much, but isn't that what people with blogs are supposed to do on their blogs?
Basically, the book was very interesting, and very unhelpful. I recommend it.
UPDATE: So I was a little off on some of my personality traits according to the online test I took at outofservice.com/bigfive. I'm in the 2nd percentile for openness ("You prefer traditional and familiar experiences"), the 58th percentile for conscientiousness ("You are neither organized nor disorganized"), the 9th percentile for extraversion (nailed it on that one) ("You probably enjoy spending quiet time alone"), the 32nd percentile for agreeableness ("You find it easy to express irritation with others"--ha! True.), and the 22nd percentile for neuroticism ("You are generally relaxed").
God bless.
Here's what I learned: snooping is hard. That is, creeping on people's stuff and living spaces and making inferences about their personality based on your findings is easier read than done.
The most obvious person to snoop on is my fabulous roommate, Jessi. But even that has left me stumped. Maybe it would be easier with someone I don't know, to go into their room and say, "This person is probably like this" before I ever meet them. Theoretically (although it was not written at all to be a self-help book), SNOOP can help me make judgments about people: prospective boyfriends, friends, coworkers, whatever. But I can't even figure out myself that well based on what I read.
I'm supposed to, specifically, use my findings to determine the personality traits included in the OCEAN Big Five: Openness, Conscientiousness, Extraverted, Agreeableness, and Neuroticism.
Here's how I rank (roughly) based on my snooping on myself:
I rank just a little above-average on openness.
I rank pretty highly on conscientiousness.
No evidence based on my belongings whether or not I rank highly in extraversion (although I already know that I rank pretty low).
Also no evidence on whether or not I rank highly in agreeableness (although I think I am a little below-average).
I am above average on neuroticism.
Here's why:
Openness is determined by weirdness of stuff (my words, not Dr. Gosling's.), as well as craft supplies and variety of books. I think decorations also might have something to do with it.
I have a few weird things, like a glass bottle of bassoon reeds and a rug made out of cut-up t-shirts. I would also have a vase with my dreads sticking out of it if it didn't gross/weird out my roommate. I don't have a huge variety of books, though. I have craft supplies (mostly paper) that I don't use a whole lot, because although I'm not crafty, sometimes I like to pretend I am. And I always like to have my space decorated, of course.
Conscientiousness is determined by maintained organization and a sense of everything having "its place."
I may not be a minimalist by any means, but everything certainly has a place, of course. I am very particular about the way I fold my underwear (and was practically flabbergasted last year when I found out that my roommate, Amy, doesn't fold hers at all!). Dirty clothes go in the basket on the right side of my closet, and worn-but-not-dirty-enough-to-be-washed-yet go in a pile in front of my closet. (Like I said, not obviously organized, but if someone messed with this system, I would be pretty upset.) I maintain an alphabetized system of organizing my DVDs. In fact, the only thing in my room that I can think of that doesn't have a system or rightful place is my desk drawer, which is more or less "miscellaneous" junk anyway.
Neuroticism is only determined (in living spaces) by motivational posters. Which I have a few of, in the form of Bible verses. That's just great.
Well, anyway. I feel like I've talked about myself too much, but isn't that what people with blogs are supposed to do on their blogs?
Basically, the book was very interesting, and very unhelpful. I recommend it.
UPDATE: So I was a little off on some of my personality traits according to the online test I took at outofservice.com/bigfive. I'm in the 2nd percentile for openness ("You prefer traditional and familiar experiences"), the 58th percentile for conscientiousness ("You are neither organized nor disorganized"), the 9th percentile for extraversion (nailed it on that one) ("You probably enjoy spending quiet time alone"), the 32nd percentile for agreeableness ("You find it easy to express irritation with others"--ha! True.), and the 22nd percentile for neuroticism ("You are generally relaxed").
God bless.
Monday, September 16, 2013
My Favorite Band
On Tuesday, May 14th, 2013, I saw my all-time favorite band, Relient K, in concert for the second time. It was a total blast and my shameless love and devotion for them was at an all-time high. I was beyond thrilled to meet the lead singer, Matt Thiessen, and I awaited with great anticipation the release of their new album later in the summer.
When people ask me why I love Relient K so much, I have many (in my opinion) solid answers to give them:
1. They are Christian, but are not all into corny contemporary stuff. They usually keep their message subtle.
2. Brilliant/funny/clever/poetic lyrics
3. Matt Thiessen's voice is right in my range, making it easy for me to sing along to every single song.
4. Their style has grown and developed right alongside my taste in music. When I was in middle and high school and all into rock, that's what they played. When I got a bit older and got an appreciation for a more folksy, acoustic style, they started leaning that way too.
5. They have a large output of music, so it's hard to get tired of them.
When people ask me why I love Relient K so much, I have many (in my opinion) solid answers to give them:
1. They are Christian, but are not all into corny contemporary stuff. They usually keep their message subtle.
2. Brilliant/funny/clever/poetic lyrics
3. Matt Thiessen's voice is right in my range, making it easy for me to sing along to every single song.
4. Their style has grown and developed right alongside my taste in music. When I was in middle and high school and all into rock, that's what they played. When I got a bit older and got an appreciation for a more folksy, acoustic style, they started leaning that way too.
5. They have a large output of music, so it's hard to get tired of them.
Here's the kickoff
Hope you're not sick of
Relient K
Or all the songs we play
'Cause then you'll wanna throw our CD away
Then the story got grim.
The upbeat, pop-y leaning of their newest album, Collapsible Lung, was fun and well-crafted, I believed, but eventually I had to listen to the lyrics.
It has been argued, I have heard, that the foul topics they covered (such as one-night stands and controlling relationships) were actually a form of satire; that somehow they were saying something deeper. A commentary on a broken world, perhaps? I'm not so sure.
I heard a rumor (but have not looked into it) that Relient K allowed outside sources to assist with the writing for this album. Whether or not the lyrics are of the band itself, I still see no reason why this should have happened.
What happened to their innocence (My Seventeen Magazine tells me that you're in love)?
Their humility and heart-wrenching honesty toward God (Life could you be a little softer to me? Life could you be more gentle to me? Yeah, I know. This is a selfish plea, because Christ has sacrificed himself on the cross for me. But this world is hard, it's cruel and I wish it would be softer, softer, softer, softer to me.)?
What happened to their humor and story-telling (The quarterback asked me if I'd like a beating. I said that's one thing I won't be needing.)?
Their positive views of women (She's like an ancient artifact, something you're lucky to have found. She'll pinch the nerves in all the necks when she turns those heads around.)?
Now, instead, I'm seeing bad poetry that seems to say nothing of substance (at least to me) (To take a breath and then take it in, to think of places I’ll go, I haven’t been, to pour my heart into everything I've found. Time won’t slow down.)
I hear once-high moral standards being lowered (If I could take you home, I'll be all that you need.),
...less respect for women (Baby, you look so sexy, so what do I do when we get home from church and the baby is in her room sleeping? or watching a movie... you get closer to me. Oh this has disaster written all over it),
...and eight songs about bad or broken relationships. Eight. (Boomerang, Lost Boy (debatable), If I Could Take You Home, Gloria, PTL, Disaster, When You Were My Baby, and Sweeter.) This, by the way, leaves only four songs on other topics.
Well, anyway. I don't need to bash the entire album, I guess. I mean, it sounds pretty good. But I have come to an almost devastating conclusion:
Relient K may not be my favorite band anymore.
I should have seen it coming. I knew I was pulling away from the rock scene, and have been for a while. I have been growing desensitized to the wonderfulness of their music because I have listened to all of it for years. I was looking forward to the new album so very much because I was thirsty for something new from them, only to found that it fell very short of my expectations.
I understand that you are probably disappointed in me and I accept your criticism. I deserve it; I am unfaithful. But this change needs to happen.
Of course, this leaves a void in my life: who will be my new favorite music artist? (For those of you reading this who are still in shock that my undying devotion to RK is probably coming to an end, you may want to stop reading. I don't want to rub salt in any wounds.)
I have given it a lot of thought, and I tentatively want to say Josh Garrels. This is, of course, subject to change. But I find myself wanting to listen to him all the time. Although upholding a pretty folksy sound most of the time, he is clearly not afraid to experiment with other techniques. He doesn't just stick to acoustics, but ventures into electronic sounds. He doesn't just sing with that beautifully strong, raw voice he has; sometimes he raps. It's fun. He's also a Christian who lets his beliefs permeate his music, but doesn't actually let the music suffer because of it. That is to say, he doesn't write his music to fit into someone's contemporary church service singalong. I still have to listen to more of this guy's music and familiarize myself with it before I say anything definitively. After all, it's embarrassing to say someone is your favorite artist and then not know their lyrics.
Please forgive me, Relient K fans. I still love them. I will certainly still listen to their music. But I will probably wait to read the reviews before I buy their next album.
UPDATE: I got a lot of positive feedback from this post, a word of advice that I don't really need to have a favorite band, and a quote (via facebook) from my friend, Jon, of a review he read of Collapsible Lung. The quote is worth sharing: "All the other songs on the new album were actually MEANT to sound empty and shallow. They're 'the miles of open road,' when Matt Theissan's fiance left him and he 'lost sight of what might matter the most' and 'stumbled into the great unknown.' The first ten tracks display where he began to look for comfort rather than to God. The last song, Collapsible Lung, is Matt's plea to the Holy Ghost, from whom he 'hopes he hasn't heard the last words.'" My response to Jon's defense was this: "Interesting. Like I said in the [blog post], I have heard a similar argument in favor of the album. If that is indeed the case, however, I still must argue that I disagree with their manifestation of such a message because it would be/has been lost on so many people. Very few people are going to get out of it what it was meant to convey. Their message is buried too deeply, in my opinion. Subtly is great and all, but not to the point where it can't be interpreted by the average listener, or even someone like me. That's not how people get reached." Just thought that was worth sharing.
UPDATE: Finally found the blog that Jon quoted. Definitely worth the read. http://stephenshutters.com/post/54525347408/collapsiblelungreview
God bless.
I hear once-high moral standards being lowered (If I could take you home, I'll be all that you need.),
...less respect for women (Baby, you look so sexy, so what do I do when we get home from church and the baby is in her room sleeping? or watching a movie... you get closer to me. Oh this has disaster written all over it),
...and eight songs about bad or broken relationships. Eight. (Boomerang, Lost Boy (debatable), If I Could Take You Home, Gloria, PTL, Disaster, When You Were My Baby, and Sweeter.) This, by the way, leaves only four songs on other topics.
Well, anyway. I don't need to bash the entire album, I guess. I mean, it sounds pretty good. But I have come to an almost devastating conclusion:
Relient K may not be my favorite band anymore.
I should have seen it coming. I knew I was pulling away from the rock scene, and have been for a while. I have been growing desensitized to the wonderfulness of their music because I have listened to all of it for years. I was looking forward to the new album so very much because I was thirsty for something new from them, only to found that it fell very short of my expectations.
I understand that you are probably disappointed in me and I accept your criticism. I deserve it; I am unfaithful. But this change needs to happen.
Of course, this leaves a void in my life: who will be my new favorite music artist? (For those of you reading this who are still in shock that my undying devotion to RK is probably coming to an end, you may want to stop reading. I don't want to rub salt in any wounds.)
I have given it a lot of thought, and I tentatively want to say Josh Garrels. This is, of course, subject to change. But I find myself wanting to listen to him all the time. Although upholding a pretty folksy sound most of the time, he is clearly not afraid to experiment with other techniques. He doesn't just stick to acoustics, but ventures into electronic sounds. He doesn't just sing with that beautifully strong, raw voice he has; sometimes he raps. It's fun. He's also a Christian who lets his beliefs permeate his music, but doesn't actually let the music suffer because of it. That is to say, he doesn't write his music to fit into someone's contemporary church service singalong. I still have to listen to more of this guy's music and familiarize myself with it before I say anything definitively. After all, it's embarrassing to say someone is your favorite artist and then not know their lyrics.
Please forgive me, Relient K fans. I still love them. I will certainly still listen to their music. But I will probably wait to read the reviews before I buy their next album.
UPDATE: I got a lot of positive feedback from this post, a word of advice that I don't really need to have a favorite band, and a quote (via facebook) from my friend, Jon, of a review he read of Collapsible Lung. The quote is worth sharing: "All the other songs on the new album were actually MEANT to sound empty and shallow. They're 'the miles of open road,' when Matt Theissan's fiance left him and he 'lost sight of what might matter the most' and 'stumbled into the great unknown.' The first ten tracks display where he began to look for comfort rather than to God. The last song, Collapsible Lung, is Matt's plea to the Holy Ghost, from whom he 'hopes he hasn't heard the last words.'" My response to Jon's defense was this: "Interesting. Like I said in the [blog post], I have heard a similar argument in favor of the album. If that is indeed the case, however, I still must argue that I disagree with their manifestation of such a message because it would be/has been lost on so many people. Very few people are going to get out of it what it was meant to convey. Their message is buried too deeply, in my opinion. Subtly is great and all, but not to the point where it can't be interpreted by the average listener, or even someone like me. That's not how people get reached." Just thought that was worth sharing.
UPDATE: Finally found the blog that Jon quoted. Definitely worth the read. http://stephenshutters.com/post/54525347408/collapsiblelungreview
God bless.
Saturday, August 31, 2013
Fourth Post
I would write my fourth blog post for the month (as that is generally the quota I hold myself to), but I am fresh out of ideas, so here is just a photo of me and twelve of the most amazing women I have ever met on a beach in Alaska. With knives.
Chelsea, Elizabeth, Lexi, Lauren, me, Courtney, Janae, Sara, Kelly, Kiley, Molly, Anna, Jordan. Did anyone notice that we are all wearing black pants?
[Click on the photo to enlarge]
I love and miss you all! Did this summer really happen? Did I dream that?
God bless.
Getting busy
One week into my senior year of college, and I have plenty of things to keep me busy already:
18 credit hours
looking for a job (or two)
planning my life beyond graduation
getting more involved with Cru
trying to get enough sleep
trying to have some semblance of a social life
working out regularly
having daily Jesus time
attending to my personal need for daily "introvert time" (the allotted time for vegetation on my couch with extremely limited human interaction)
But, just to drive myself a little crazy, I decided to sign up for another extracurricular activity this year. I thought it would be important to be involved with a group of people that wasn't Cru, which is comprised almost entirely of Christians. I felt that I needed to make more friends with non-Christians and be a little more ministry-focused with them, rather than just investing in my Christian friends.
[For those of you reading this who are not Christians, I am sorry if it seems like I'm putting you in a box. I really do want to get to know you for you!]
At first, I had the intention of joining the Ultimate Frisbee team at my school since I already knew several people on the team and I got to finally learn how to play this summer. But I decided that may not be the best choice for me since the team is made up almost entirely of men and I have recently been convicted to minister more (if not entirely) to women. (For more on this, please read: Femininity)
So, on Thursday my school had their organization fair. I spent most of my time at the Cru table, but walked around for a little bit picking up flyers from other tables. I felt a little late to the party, seeing as how I'm a senior and the organization fair is focused mostly on getting freshmen involved.
Although I got invited to join a few things I was not interested in, I did narrow my search down to a few things I am considering:
The Yarn Club (for knitters and crocheters-- I know the basics of knitting and would like to improve)
The Writing Club
The Ballroom Society (Also including, but not limited to, waltz, salsa, and swing dancing)
Our school's newspaper
I wish I could get involved in all these things, but for obvious reasons I cannot. I am still deciding. And that's all I have to say about that.
God bless.
18 credit hours
looking for a job (or two)
planning my life beyond graduation
getting more involved with Cru
trying to get enough sleep
trying to have some semblance of a social life
working out regularly
having daily Jesus time
attending to my personal need for daily "introvert time" (the allotted time for vegetation on my couch with extremely limited human interaction)
But, just to drive myself a little crazy, I decided to sign up for another extracurricular activity this year. I thought it would be important to be involved with a group of people that wasn't Cru, which is comprised almost entirely of Christians. I felt that I needed to make more friends with non-Christians and be a little more ministry-focused with them, rather than just investing in my Christian friends.
[For those of you reading this who are not Christians, I am sorry if it seems like I'm putting you in a box. I really do want to get to know you for you!]
At first, I had the intention of joining the Ultimate Frisbee team at my school since I already knew several people on the team and I got to finally learn how to play this summer. But I decided that may not be the best choice for me since the team is made up almost entirely of men and I have recently been convicted to minister more (if not entirely) to women. (For more on this, please read: Femininity)
So, on Thursday my school had their organization fair. I spent most of my time at the Cru table, but walked around for a little bit picking up flyers from other tables. I felt a little late to the party, seeing as how I'm a senior and the organization fair is focused mostly on getting freshmen involved.
Although I got invited to join a few things I was not interested in, I did narrow my search down to a few things I am considering:
The Yarn Club (for knitters and crocheters-- I know the basics of knitting and would like to improve)
The Writing Club
The Ballroom Society (Also including, but not limited to, waltz, salsa, and swing dancing)
Our school's newspaper
I wish I could get involved in all these things, but for obvious reasons I cannot. I am still deciding. And that's all I have to say about that.
God bless.
Friday, August 9, 2013
Who Am I?
There is a question I have been pondering for a while, and will probably be fussing over for the rest of my life: Who am I?
Like I have a clue!
But I think I have a better idea than I did a few months ago.
I got quite upset during a conversation with Anthony one afternoon when he harassed me with this same question. I think he cared more about whether or not I had a good answer than whether or not he knew the answer for himself. I remember laughing nervously in my befuddlement, then apologizing for laughing. He must have been pretty amused by my emotional outburst spawned from such a simple question.
Finally, Anthony changed the wording enough that I managed to sputter, "I'm a woman of God." But then I got one of his classic lectures: "I would challenge you to explore this more."
"Why? Why is it important? I spend so much time thinking about myself that I avoid knowing myself well so that I don't obsess over my own personality, which I struggle with enough as is!"
Then he proceeded to tell me that not knowing myself well would hurt my witness. He made some sort of sense when he said it. Something about evangelizing to people with compatible personalities.
"Well," I said, "how can I even know myself well? There are too many inconsistencies with me. What might be true about me sometimes will not be true all the time. How can I be even one character trait 100% of the time?"
"You can't, but you can have things that are mostly true about you."
This conversation came toward the end of a long summer when I had been undergoing a lot of personal change anyway. I was still becoming somebody. In fact, when will that ever not be true? I will never be the same person even from day to day. Literally the only thing I can think of that will remain static is my identity in Christ: I will always be his daughter. Everything else will change. Even my body will age and change. Some of the most defining characters of me have changed already; I'm not even sure I'm a total introvert anymore.
Still, I felt challenged by Anthony's demands for me to tell him who I was. In my head, I came up with the perfect opening to a follow-up conversation that never happened. "Anthony, have you ever heard the phrase, 'anyone driving slower than me is an idiot and anyone driving faster than me is a maniac'? No? Well, it's a thing. I think it really helps describe why it is so hard for me to know myself. I am my own standard of normal. I think almost everyone is like that, actually. If someone is braver than me, even a little, I think of them as being brave. Conversely, if anyone is just a little more timid than I am, I think of them as timid. Because I am my own standard of normal. I am the zero on any geometrical plane that I put other people on. Therefore I have no way of comparing myself to what is truly 'normal.'"
Despite all this, I began to legitimately consider phrases that might describe me. I quickly realized that I had to rely heavily on what other people said about me to know, which may be a good thing or may be a very, very bad thing.
I have two basic and very definitive sides: thoughtful...
and goofy...
I am not afraid to do what I want. I am confident...
I am bold, straightforward, honest, and blunt. I don't sugar-coat or water-down...
I am encouraging to others...
I am beautiful...
I am funny...
I am unique...
So okay. That's a good enough description for me. Now if some people who hate me are able to shed some light on what they think of me too, maybe I can get a more well-rounded picture instead of all the kind input my friends have. Not that I surveyed them or anything.
Now that I have put "Maryann" into words a little better, the real question becomes, How much does any of that even matter? How do I measure up to Christ? Isn't that where all comparisons should lie anyway? I don't want to make a list for that (me with Christ as the standard of normal), because I can't expose my sin and shame to the internet like that, the way I can with the good things about me...
When you put me next to Christ, I suck. Sorry to put it so foully. It's absolutely true.
But I am his daughter and he loves me.
I am a woman of God.
Isn't that a good enough answer for you, Anthony?
“How is it possible to spend all these years with myself and yet understand so little of who I am? This is just another answer that I don’t have.” -Josh Riebock
P.S. With all due respect to Anthony, he is a great, Godly, thoughtful man, and despite the difficult soul-searching he has caused me to do, I am grateful for it.
God bless.
Like I have a clue!
But I think I have a better idea than I did a few months ago.
I got quite upset during a conversation with Anthony one afternoon when he harassed me with this same question. I think he cared more about whether or not I had a good answer than whether or not he knew the answer for himself. I remember laughing nervously in my befuddlement, then apologizing for laughing. He must have been pretty amused by my emotional outburst spawned from such a simple question.
Finally, Anthony changed the wording enough that I managed to sputter, "I'm a woman of God." But then I got one of his classic lectures: "I would challenge you to explore this more."
"Why? Why is it important? I spend so much time thinking about myself that I avoid knowing myself well so that I don't obsess over my own personality, which I struggle with enough as is!"
Then he proceeded to tell me that not knowing myself well would hurt my witness. He made some sort of sense when he said it. Something about evangelizing to people with compatible personalities.
"Well," I said, "how can I even know myself well? There are too many inconsistencies with me. What might be true about me sometimes will not be true all the time. How can I be even one character trait 100% of the time?"
"You can't, but you can have things that are mostly true about you."
This conversation came toward the end of a long summer when I had been undergoing a lot of personal change anyway. I was still becoming somebody. In fact, when will that ever not be true? I will never be the same person even from day to day. Literally the only thing I can think of that will remain static is my identity in Christ: I will always be his daughter. Everything else will change. Even my body will age and change. Some of the most defining characters of me have changed already; I'm not even sure I'm a total introvert anymore.
Still, I felt challenged by Anthony's demands for me to tell him who I was. In my head, I came up with the perfect opening to a follow-up conversation that never happened. "Anthony, have you ever heard the phrase, 'anyone driving slower than me is an idiot and anyone driving faster than me is a maniac'? No? Well, it's a thing. I think it really helps describe why it is so hard for me to know myself. I am my own standard of normal. I think almost everyone is like that, actually. If someone is braver than me, even a little, I think of them as being brave. Conversely, if anyone is just a little more timid than I am, I think of them as timid. Because I am my own standard of normal. I am the zero on any geometrical plane that I put other people on. Therefore I have no way of comparing myself to what is truly 'normal.'"
Despite all this, I began to legitimately consider phrases that might describe me. I quickly realized that I had to rely heavily on what other people said about me to know, which may be a good thing or may be a very, very bad thing.
I have two basic and very definitive sides: thoughtful...
and goofy...
I am not afraid to do what I want. I am confident...
I am bold, straightforward, honest, and blunt. I don't sugar-coat or water-down...
I am encouraging to others...
I am beautiful...
I am funny...
I am unique...
So okay. That's a good enough description for me. Now if some people who hate me are able to shed some light on what they think of me too, maybe I can get a more well-rounded picture instead of all the kind input my friends have. Not that I surveyed them or anything.
Now that I have put "Maryann" into words a little better, the real question becomes, How much does any of that even matter? How do I measure up to Christ? Isn't that where all comparisons should lie anyway? I don't want to make a list for that (me with Christ as the standard of normal), because I can't expose my sin and shame to the internet like that, the way I can with the good things about me...
When you put me next to Christ, I suck. Sorry to put it so foully. It's absolutely true.
But I am his daughter and he loves me.
I am a woman of God.
Isn't that a good enough answer for you, Anthony?
“How is it possible to spend all these years with myself and yet understand so little of who I am? This is just another answer that I don’t have.” -Josh Riebock
P.S. With all due respect to Anthony, he is a great, Godly, thoughtful man, and despite the difficult soul-searching he has caused me to do, I am grateful for it.
God bless.
Thursday, August 8, 2013
God's Creation
I was talking to William on the phone today about his upcoming STINT project and the Summer Project I just got home from. I started telling him about how one of the many things I learned this summer was the way I can connect with God through nature in a way I never realized I could before. When he asked for some examples, I gave a few but couldn't stop thinking of more in my head. Here are a few that I want to share with you in words (rather than photos, which I lack anyway).
- Hiking to the glacier was probably my favorite day in all of project. The three or four miles out to the glacier was literally the best hike I've ever been on. We scaled some rock faces, walked through the woods, hiked on rock carved by the glacier itself long ago, saw some unbelievably fantastic views, and were physically challenged along the way. When we got there, we hiked on the flat part of the glacier for a bit. The flat part was huge, but not compared to the entire glacier, which turned from a crusty flatness into huge teal and white spikes of frozen water. We hiked down to the ice cave then, where a stream was running along the bottom of it. The cave looked dark in the brightness of the daylight, but when we went inside, a blue light illuminated the magical world around us from through the ice above us. The smooth walls of the cold glass was dripping water in certain spots. I got close to one bit of the wall and looked into the ice. It was dotted on the inside with tiny round air pockets; frozen bubbles. It looked like a lacy spiderweb. Then, just to say I did it (and to conform with all the other ladies), I licked the glacier. It tasted like nothing. It was wonderful.
- Although for most of Project, the summer night sky never got dark enough for stars to appear, toward the end, there was a clear night and it had gotten late enough in the summer that I walked outside around midnight and there they were: a skyful of stars. And there was the big dipper, bigger than I had ever seen it before. I always tell people that stars are my favorite part of nature, so when I saw them that night, and felt so close to Heaven, I just let my head back and gaped. In my delight, I also showed anyone that walked by (mainly Ben).
- The women spent a day climbing Mount Jumbo on Douglas Island. It was a very cloudy day and you couldn't see the mountain at all from the road (where normally it could be seen clearly) because of the low clouds. We climbed it anyway and it wasn't long before we were decidedly in a cloud. It was a real shame not to have a view at any point that day, but the mystery of the atmosphere was so tranquil. We saw many beautiful things on that hike. So many flowers, rocks, patches of snow, a small clear stream with beautiful rocks sitting at the bottom, and of course, countless monstrous evergreens. We made it to the very peak and took lots of photos, but they don't look like much because of the fog. But we saw the beauty and lived in the unknown. And oh, how God plans and knows what we don't!
- For the last Women's Development that involved the staff being on Project, we went to Nugget Falls. I loved it. I scrambled up the rocks next to the falls by myself and admired the majesty and power of so much water coming seemingly from nowhere other than the side of a mountain. Beyond the falls in the near distance was Mendenhall Glacier, a gorgeous backdrop. Icebergs floated around unassumingly. Mountains rose in every direction. Small, vibrant flowers grew out of the huge rocks near me, which were themselves quite lovely, almost painted-looking. So God and I had a moment. I don't remember what we said to each other; probably very little. It was like we were wordlessly holding hands, squeezing with a ferocious and passionate love.
- For the women's closing ceremony with staff (I don't know what it was technically called), as well as our last-of-all Women's Development, we sat on a shore by Mendenhall lake. On the opposite side of the lake one could see the powerful, roaring Nugget Falls. From the distance it looked quite small, smaller than my thumb at arm's length. Beside it was several mountains, towering above and diminishing the falls. Remember the realistic hugeness of the falls brought me to the realization of the actual hugeness of the mountains that surrounded it. It was breathtaking to realize (again) how big everything around me was. And not only that, but stunningly beautiful. The second time we came to this location, the sunset turned the mountains pink. Can my words even do justice the breathtaking view that God gifted the thirteen of us ladies with that night? Oh, how he allures and pursues us!
- Just kidding, there is another time I was at this location; the day seven us joined Debbie, who took us kayaking for several hours across Mendenhall lake; first to the glacier, then to Nugget falls, around several icebergs, and back again. Just a different view and perspective of the same place, and as beautiful as ever from middle of the tranquil, silty lake.
- This (fishing day): http://juneausummerproject.com/?p=624
- We went camping at a sandy place called boy scout beach one night. Oh, how the sun was setting over the ocean channel that ran alongside the path that we took on the way out! How the flowers before and the mountains behind that channel dazzled! The tide was so low when we got there that we could go quite far out on the wet beach, where gulls mingled on rotting logs. The sun set late in orange streams, leaving the sky a dim blue even at midnight. Later, a golden moon set slowly but measurably over the nearby(-ish) range of snow-capped mountains.
- I'm not even going to mentions the other sunsets I saw at Blue Mussel Cabin, the island on the night of the summer solstice, or at The Shrine.
- Speaking of the night on that island (the name of which I don't even know, but it was in Auke Bay), there was something I experienced more than saw; exploring almost the whole island on my own. I went up and over, walked along the rocky beach on the other side, then scrambled all the way up the trail-less "mountain," where I hollered a few times into the trees. Climbing down was an adventure as I may or may not have gotten stuck in a patch of devil's club, and also had to slide on the mud on my butt a few times. I loved it. Having my own private adventure was the "Chris McCandless" of the summer that I needed. Just me, God, and the trees.
- On the flight out of Seattle on the way home (technically not in Juneau but still part of my summer experience), the plane was so high up that the mountains below us looked small, and the crevices between them had clouds sitting, settled. Then we passed, very nearly at the same level, the most ginormous, rugged, powerful, majestic mountain I have ever seen. It diminished the mountains below it to nothing. The patches of snow on it must have been miles wide. Its jagged peaks boasted its grandeur. Later that day, I couldn't believe the beauty and magnitude of a particular cloud. In between our plane and the cloud, I saw two other planes fly in the opposite direction, zooming past looking smaller than a grain of rice. And how miniscule they were next to the monstrous, white, wispy cloud in the distance, which took us half an hour at least to pass!
UPDATE: The mountain I saw was, I'm pretty sure, Mount Rainier. Look it up. Please.
- Daily views are hard to mention specifically. Many times I walked out of my job at Walmart and stood on the bus stop amazed at the mountains that surrounded us. Many times on a cloudy day, I watched clouds sift and mingle amongst the towering trees on mountainsides. Many times I saw blazing patches of the appropriately-named fireweed. Many times I looked out the car window (in fact, every time I was in a car, I was looking out the window), and my jaw dropped as I tried not to press my nose against the glass, even though we drove on the same road every day. Many times I was hiking and couldn't believe the plants, the trees, the streams, waterfalls, and rocks. Simply couldn't believe it. Many times I marveled that in the heat of summer there was still snow on mountaintops.
I promise I did more in Juneau than look at pretty things, but can you blame me for letting these experiences and sights burn in my memory like a branding? Surely God has branded my mind with his beauty, yet I thirst for more.
I don't intend to make anyone jealous, and I'm sorry if that's the result of you reading this, but I plead with you to share in my joy. Frankly, I will probably keep thinking of more things I want to record (like the cross at the top of Mount Roberts), but many of them would be lame to describe, something like "I was walking to UAS rec center in my sock feet and the trees were so beautiful and I marveled at the mountains and trees and I prayed." Sounds just like many of my other experiences, but truly profound for me in the moment and another treasured piece of my summer. Please, just... go to Juneau. Or some other Cru Summer Project or mission trip. Or somewhere in the world. Please, get out of your living room and go see and experience something. Why? Because God made it for you.
See other posts for photos.
God bless.
- Hiking to the glacier was probably my favorite day in all of project. The three or four miles out to the glacier was literally the best hike I've ever been on. We scaled some rock faces, walked through the woods, hiked on rock carved by the glacier itself long ago, saw some unbelievably fantastic views, and were physically challenged along the way. When we got there, we hiked on the flat part of the glacier for a bit. The flat part was huge, but not compared to the entire glacier, which turned from a crusty flatness into huge teal and white spikes of frozen water. We hiked down to the ice cave then, where a stream was running along the bottom of it. The cave looked dark in the brightness of the daylight, but when we went inside, a blue light illuminated the magical world around us from through the ice above us. The smooth walls of the cold glass was dripping water in certain spots. I got close to one bit of the wall and looked into the ice. It was dotted on the inside with tiny round air pockets; frozen bubbles. It looked like a lacy spiderweb. Then, just to say I did it (and to conform with all the other ladies), I licked the glacier. It tasted like nothing. It was wonderful.
- Although for most of Project, the summer night sky never got dark enough for stars to appear, toward the end, there was a clear night and it had gotten late enough in the summer that I walked outside around midnight and there they were: a skyful of stars. And there was the big dipper, bigger than I had ever seen it before. I always tell people that stars are my favorite part of nature, so when I saw them that night, and felt so close to Heaven, I just let my head back and gaped. In my delight, I also showed anyone that walked by (mainly Ben).
- The women spent a day climbing Mount Jumbo on Douglas Island. It was a very cloudy day and you couldn't see the mountain at all from the road (where normally it could be seen clearly) because of the low clouds. We climbed it anyway and it wasn't long before we were decidedly in a cloud. It was a real shame not to have a view at any point that day, but the mystery of the atmosphere was so tranquil. We saw many beautiful things on that hike. So many flowers, rocks, patches of snow, a small clear stream with beautiful rocks sitting at the bottom, and of course, countless monstrous evergreens. We made it to the very peak and took lots of photos, but they don't look like much because of the fog. But we saw the beauty and lived in the unknown. And oh, how God plans and knows what we don't!
- For the last Women's Development that involved the staff being on Project, we went to Nugget Falls. I loved it. I scrambled up the rocks next to the falls by myself and admired the majesty and power of so much water coming seemingly from nowhere other than the side of a mountain. Beyond the falls in the near distance was Mendenhall Glacier, a gorgeous backdrop. Icebergs floated around unassumingly. Mountains rose in every direction. Small, vibrant flowers grew out of the huge rocks near me, which were themselves quite lovely, almost painted-looking. So God and I had a moment. I don't remember what we said to each other; probably very little. It was like we were wordlessly holding hands, squeezing with a ferocious and passionate love.
- For the women's closing ceremony with staff (I don't know what it was technically called), as well as our last-of-all Women's Development, we sat on a shore by Mendenhall lake. On the opposite side of the lake one could see the powerful, roaring Nugget Falls. From the distance it looked quite small, smaller than my thumb at arm's length. Beside it was several mountains, towering above and diminishing the falls. Remember the realistic hugeness of the falls brought me to the realization of the actual hugeness of the mountains that surrounded it. It was breathtaking to realize (again) how big everything around me was. And not only that, but stunningly beautiful. The second time we came to this location, the sunset turned the mountains pink. Can my words even do justice the breathtaking view that God gifted the thirteen of us ladies with that night? Oh, how he allures and pursues us!
- Just kidding, there is another time I was at this location; the day seven us joined Debbie, who took us kayaking for several hours across Mendenhall lake; first to the glacier, then to Nugget falls, around several icebergs, and back again. Just a different view and perspective of the same place, and as beautiful as ever from middle of the tranquil, silty lake.
- This (fishing day): http://juneausummerproject.com/?p=624
- We went camping at a sandy place called boy scout beach one night. Oh, how the sun was setting over the ocean channel that ran alongside the path that we took on the way out! How the flowers before and the mountains behind that channel dazzled! The tide was so low when we got there that we could go quite far out on the wet beach, where gulls mingled on rotting logs. The sun set late in orange streams, leaving the sky a dim blue even at midnight. Later, a golden moon set slowly but measurably over the nearby(-ish) range of snow-capped mountains.
- I'm not even going to mentions the other sunsets I saw at Blue Mussel Cabin, the island on the night of the summer solstice, or at The Shrine.
- Speaking of the night on that island (the name of which I don't even know, but it was in Auke Bay), there was something I experienced more than saw; exploring almost the whole island on my own. I went up and over, walked along the rocky beach on the other side, then scrambled all the way up the trail-less "mountain," where I hollered a few times into the trees. Climbing down was an adventure as I may or may not have gotten stuck in a patch of devil's club, and also had to slide on the mud on my butt a few times. I loved it. Having my own private adventure was the "Chris McCandless" of the summer that I needed. Just me, God, and the trees.
- On the flight out of Seattle on the way home (technically not in Juneau but still part of my summer experience), the plane was so high up that the mountains below us looked small, and the crevices between them had clouds sitting, settled. Then we passed, very nearly at the same level, the most ginormous, rugged, powerful, majestic mountain I have ever seen. It diminished the mountains below it to nothing. The patches of snow on it must have been miles wide. Its jagged peaks boasted its grandeur. Later that day, I couldn't believe the beauty and magnitude of a particular cloud. In between our plane and the cloud, I saw two other planes fly in the opposite direction, zooming past looking smaller than a grain of rice. And how miniscule they were next to the monstrous, white, wispy cloud in the distance, which took us half an hour at least to pass!
UPDATE: The mountain I saw was, I'm pretty sure, Mount Rainier. Look it up. Please.
- Daily views are hard to mention specifically. Many times I walked out of my job at Walmart and stood on the bus stop amazed at the mountains that surrounded us. Many times on a cloudy day, I watched clouds sift and mingle amongst the towering trees on mountainsides. Many times I saw blazing patches of the appropriately-named fireweed. Many times I looked out the car window (in fact, every time I was in a car, I was looking out the window), and my jaw dropped as I tried not to press my nose against the glass, even though we drove on the same road every day. Many times I was hiking and couldn't believe the plants, the trees, the streams, waterfalls, and rocks. Simply couldn't believe it. Many times I marveled that in the heat of summer there was still snow on mountaintops.
I promise I did more in Juneau than look at pretty things, but can you blame me for letting these experiences and sights burn in my memory like a branding? Surely God has branded my mind with his beauty, yet I thirst for more.
I don't intend to make anyone jealous, and I'm sorry if that's the result of you reading this, but I plead with you to share in my joy. Frankly, I will probably keep thinking of more things I want to record (like the cross at the top of Mount Roberts), but many of them would be lame to describe, something like "I was walking to UAS rec center in my sock feet and the trees were so beautiful and I marveled at the mountains and trees and I prayed." Sounds just like many of my other experiences, but truly profound for me in the moment and another treasured piece of my summer. Please, just... go to Juneau. Or some other Cru Summer Project or mission trip. Or somewhere in the world. Please, get out of your living room and go see and experience something. Why? Because God made it for you.
See other posts for photos.
God bless.
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