How to Get a Boyfriend

I know what you're thinking, ladies. You're thinking, "Wow, that Maryann is so awesome, I wonder how she has so many boyfriends. I want to be just like her!" And it's okay to think this, because even though I probably have at least 12 times as many boyfriends as you, there's still hope for you! For my male readers, read on. I don't know why. But do it anyway. You're my faithful readers and I need you to support the women.

So buckle in and get ready to have men lined up at your door by tomorrow evening!

1) Getting a boyfriend might be intimidating, and you might be nervous, but the biggest ingredient to hooking up with guys is confidence. No man likes a sniveling baby-woman with no self-esteem. You need to prove that you know what you're doing and you're not afraid to show your stuff. The best way to prove you're confident and unafraid is to wear bold clothing. Want to wear your pants on your head? Brilliant.

Switch your left and right shoes? He won't think you're absent-minded; he can totally tell you did that on purpose. Put lipstick on your forehead? Nail polish on your ear lobes? Stop showering for three months? Shoes like these?:

 All these things will prove to men that you're not afraid of what they think and they will be thoroughly impressed, even enamored.

2) The second step to getting men is to be beautiful. This may seem contradictory to the previous step, but really they go hand in hand. If you are confident, you are beautiful, and if you are beautiful, you are probably also feeling confident. I know an awful lot about makeup, but I found this video made by someone other than myself to be the most helpful for my morning routine:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PDjXDVKlcik
I also want you to know that, while tattoos can be painful and permanent, there's nothing wrong with drawing temporary tattoos on yourself for a look that you only want one night. Eyeliner works best for this, but you can use a variety of kinds of makeup to achieve this look. Here are some examples:

These were taken when I was approximately fourteen years old, so I've obviously been in the makeup business for a long time and am super experienced.
If you feel qualms about drawing on your skin, you can also draw with sharpie on some clear tape and simply stick it to your skin:

3) The third step to getting a boyfriend is taking initiative. Obviously no boy has the courage to ask you on a date, so that's probably why you haven't been on any. Next time you see an attractive male, take action! Be the first to approach them, and when you do, don't forget how confident and beautiful you are. Make sure they know it. Your first conversation will be most successful if it goes something like this:
"Hello attractive male! My name is Maryann and I am interested in you. As you can see, I am confident, beautiful, and willing to take initiative. How would you like to take me out to an expensive dinner tomorrow night?"
"Wow! My name is [male name] and I can see that you are beautiful, confident, and willing to take initiative. In exchange for your bold approach, I will woo you and give you any beautiful/expensive thing you could ever desire. Yes, dinner sounds wonderful tomorrow night."
Then you do things like bat your eyelashes and pucker your lips and stick out your chest and giggle at all of his words. It's fool-proof!

4) The next thing you need to do to is keep a keeper. Although you may love him, he might not love you, so you need to make sure he won't leave you. The best way to do this is to remember to compliment him. Say things like "You're nice" and "You're cute" and "You're tall" and "You're cool" and "You're friendly" and "You're funny." You know. Nice words. Then he will do what you want, including stay with you.

So there you go! Have fun getting a boyfriend! To conclude, I would like to share a video with you that I also find very helpful for getting a boyfriend:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=avbbcU4zcrs


*Obviously this post was of a mostly satirical nature, so I will posting another one soon that will be of a more serious nature on the same topic to clear up any actual misconceptions. But for now, I hope I made you laugh despite my general lack of wittiness.

God bless!