Oh, how I have been longing for this! While the book talked about it as if it were a new concept to the reader (and for me it is not--I have long considered Jesus my Lover in very real ways), it still struck a chord with me. It was exactly what I have been needing to read.
Recently single, I have been deeply missing the intimacy that comes with being in a relationship, and it has left me longing for another one (even though in my head I know it is way too soon to start thinking about that again).
In theory, I know my priorities. I know that there is only One who can love me adequately, only One who will ever know my soul more intimately than even I know it myself. I know that no one can take his place.
So why do I look? Why do I, like Hosea's wife, chase lover after lover? Why do I turn to mere men to fulfill my heart's deepest desire? Why do I trust that a man can do what only God can do?
I am trying to find the balance between allowing myself to feel the normal longing for an earthly romance while not becoming preoccupied with it. I am trying to find my satisfaction in the Lord. And it's hard.
Putting forth the effort is something I have failed in. Like a woman who demands that her lover romance her constantly and berates him should he spend a single moment inattentive to her (of course she doing nothing for him; "I should be treated like a queen!"), I am waiting for God to show up in my life and romance me without my pursuing him very much at all. I am sure that he, being God of all, will never tire of showing me affection, but there is much more of a limit on how much of that affection I experience well if I am only taking, never giving. A relationship is two-sided.
As I was reading the chapter, a beautiful thunderstorm was raging outside. The sun was low in the sky, casting a gold light onto the wet street in front of my house. I watched it for a while. I felt romanced.
The sermon this morning was about Joseph and Potiphar's wife. The story goes that Potiphar's wife sees how handsome and strong Joseph is and wants to sleep with him, but he continually denies her. The pastor pointed out that no normal man would be able to do this. The only difference between men who do sleep with women and men who don't is opportunity. So how did Joseph resist? How did he flee her persistent allure?
By loving God more. It was not obedience that would have given him such discipline; obedience alone would have collapsed under the pressure. It was loving God more.
It was by playing a more beautiful song that sailors were able to escape the allure of the sirens.
The author of Captivating said something very similar. (Think God is trying to nail something down with me today??) It pointed out that martyrs do not follow Christ even to death because of mere obedience. How could they? It is because of their fiery love for him that they are so devoted.
This is what I long for!
By the end of the chapter, an old feeling I have not felt in a while came over me: I am so in love with Jesus, that even the best relationship with a man seems pale and dull. I am so in love with Jesus that I do not want to be distracted from him by being in a relationship!
It's an odd and admittedly rare feeling, but I cling to it.
I used to go on regular "dates" with Jesus, but it's been a while. I feel like I missed my opportunity today (I will go tomorrow), but I think Sundays after church will be a good day to make that a regular habit again. I want to indulge in this relationship. I want to play an active role again. I encourage you to do the same. I do not expect to be disappointed.
God bless.
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