Femininity

I just want to quickly say that I am pleasantly surprised (and I hope you are too) that I have been able to post so much this summer. God has somehow provided me both the time and the words to share my experiences with you.

Juneau Summer Project is really Juneau Women's Summer Project and Juneau Men's Summer Project. Hopefully it's obvious which one I'm a part of.

The distinction is important because, although the men's and women's projects do many things together, we are separate a lot of the time and given many chances to explore and discover what it means to be specifically a man or a woman of Christ. I want to share some of my discoveries with you about myself personally. I hope and pray that this post will either give you encouragement, ways to pray for me, or both. I will make myself a bit vulnerable to you.

One of the first things that dawned on me about myself when I got here is that my femininity is important. God created me as a woman and thus I should be a woman. Our culture heavily emphasizes being individuals and not letting gender define a person. I live in an increasingly gender-irrelevant society. But this is not what God intended! "Man and woman he created them." However, I quickly realized that I feel genderless most of the time (this having never occurred to me before).

Shortly after that, I realized that the only time I noticeably feel like a woman is when I'm around men (whether or not there is anything "romantic" about my relationships with them). Thus I was faced with the root (or, one of the roots) of the problem of my many relational failures.

I meditated (or, rather, brooded) on this for a few days before I came to church for the first time while here. I was sitting in the pew looking around and admiring the way so many men here have beards. I thought, "Maybe beards are men's way of expressing their masculinity. I wish the rest of society was like that, but most men prefer to be more 'genderless' and shave their facial hair." And that's when it hit me: here I was, wearing a long skirt for church, and feeling completely feminine in it. I wore the skirt all day (as I frequently do on Sundays), and was amazed that no matter where I was, or who I was with, I felt like a woman. While beards theoretically help men feel masculine, perhaps skirts theoretically help women feel feminine.

Tending to be a radical, I made the decision to switch to a wardrobe of almost entirely skirts when I get home. I have had and still have plenty of time to roll it over in my head, weigh the pros and cons, etc., but my mind is pretty much made up. The only reason I didn't make the switch right away is because, well, I'm in Juneau, Alaska right now, and all the hiking and physical activities we do are not exactly conducive to skirt-wearing. But it is my intention. This is how God created me.

Of course I knew that Jesus is my lover and that I am his beloved, but the next thing that started happening was my remembrance of this. The passion and realism of it is incredibly touching and heart-warming, and I try to remind myself of it frequently now. What need do I have for a man when I have Christ? When I think of lofty ideas such as my relationship with God and my future of an eternity with him, the small things in this life seem much more insignificant. What does it matter who I like, or even who I marry? If I am doing God's will to the best of my ability while I'm here on this planet, and deepening my eternal relationship with him, I will find fulfillment and satisfaction; peace in my soul. I never have and never will find a better lover. When I get back to Ohio, I intend to have a weekly "date" with Jesus like the one we had here on Project that helped open my eyes to this truth. I share this intention with you to help keep myself accountable.

This past week has been another burst of revelation for me. As I said in another post, we had a panel of men on Tuesday (two married, one dating, one single) that answered questions for us women. They admitted that men actually have pretty fragile egos and that as women we need to respect them as men. It is the men's job to love the women and the women's job to respect the men. This is Biblical. It's not that women can't love men and that men can't respect women, but we have our primary roles.

This, combined with the appreciation we showed all the men on Project by baking them sweets and leaving encouraging notes in their apartment while they were out, opened my eyes to my sin of disrespecting men. I have masked this sin with the justification that I am helping them by pointing out their flaws (for example). But I admit that I can be pretty mean. I say it's good to be blunt and honest, but there is a time and a place for it. I need to respect the men in my life as my brothers.

When I was little, if I ever had trash (like a candy wrapper) that I didn't know what to do with, I tried to give it to my mom, who would refuse take it from me. "Do I look like a trashcan to you?" she would ask, wisely diverting the responsibility of the trash back to me. But now, with men I am interested in, I give them my emotions as if my emotions were trash, expecting the men to take it without asking questions. I threw away my emotions on men that didn't deserve such treatment; on men that were not trashcans at all. It was extremely disrespectful of me and was a huge waste of emotional resources. I guess one could say I need to "go green." This leads to my next point.

I pursue men. This was an almost shocking realization, as I would never ask a guy out, initiate a kiss, or anything like that (not that kissing even interests me at this point...whole 'nother story...). But I still pursue them. It occurred to me that I frequently tell the guys I like that I like them, regardless of their feelings toward me. I have always felt it my duty to "open the door" for them to walk through if they choose. But I pursue too much, and it's a sin. It's not my place to do this. In fact, I pursue men even by simply allowing myself to get crushes on them. I look for men to like. This is so typical of women in this society, and shame on us for it! That's not what letting ourselves be pursued looks like at all!

I remember a pastor that came to speak at the Cru meetings at my school multiple times. He always talks about his gorgeous wife and how she is "so fine!" Once he told the story of how they got together (and of course tied it into the Gospel). He saw her (from his place in the pulpit), was extremely attracted to her, and wanted her for his own from the get-go. From then on, he set about winning her heart, tending to her every need, pursuing her in every way possible (without being creepy and forward, hopefully), but she had no idea. She was clueless that he liked her at all. Here he was madly in love with her and she didn't even know that she was friend-zoning him. Like our relationship with Christ, he pursues us relentlessly, whether we know it or not, whether we respond to it or not. And hopefully, like this pastor, we end up "marrying" Jesus and accepting his pursuits.

Therefore I have decided to break my addiction to looking for guys and letting myself get crushes. If any man wants me, he has to get me himself! This is his role as a man. Who am I to deny this of him? Who wears the pants in the relationship?

I knew even while I was making this decision how hard this addiction would be to break. For years, almost my whole life, I have trained my brain to give my heart away to anyone I see fit (and even men who probably aren't fit). This would be where your prayers would come in. I need help. I've only been single for six months, but I am completely boy-crazy and obsessed with finding a husband. I feel like my clock for marriage is ticking, but where is my joy in the present? Where is my joy in the gift of being young and single and living freely for Christ?

My wise and good friend Lauren said that whenever I think about someone I like, I should just pray for him. Pray for him as my brother, pray for his needs and well-being. Become selfless about him. My desires are incredibly selfish of course, but every guy I meet (except one) is not my husband, but rather my brother, and I need to treat them as such. As for my future husband, the way I'm behaving is disrespectful to him too. He is also my brother, but I am giving my heart away to men who aren't him.

All this having been realized, maybe I'm officially "ready" to find the right guy and marry him. Not! This is a lie I need to be wary of. God's timing is not my own, and he is not waiting for me to figure it all out before he brings in the man of the hour. My future marriage is not dependent on me when it comes to timing. I could be asked to wait much, much longer.

This is going to be a real emotional and spiritual battle for me. Making these changes and breaking my addictions is only doable by the help of the Lord, but I need your prayers. I've known for a long time that I have a problem, and I'm still not sure how it started, but it's quite the beast to face. But the Lord deserves my best in love and attention, and frankly, so does my husband.

I wish I had a way to elegantly close this post, but as is, I am dumping all this on you, then ending it. Thank you for reading and praying.


God bless.