Tuesday, October 25, 2011

A few old poems

I stumbled across these poems I wrote awhile ago. 
~~~
I don't remember writing this one, and it's not very good, but it has a cool message. Enjoy:


Crying again
againagainagain
sorrows nibble at my toes
my fingers, my lips, my nose, my ears, my hair…

But my eyes are unharmed so that they may properly weep.

Woe! Woe is me; that ancient phrase that never ceases to be applicable. Woe!
For what is life if not meaningless?
Show me the meaning!
This dream is crushed. That dream is crushed. What have I to live for? I cannot live for myself, for my dreams are crushed. Myself is all that matters to me; therefore life is meaningless.


Crying again
Againagainagain
Sorrows nibble at her toes

Wait. Her?
Hark!
There she weeps; apart, alone, desperate, hopeless. Life is meaningless.

Woe! Woe is she! Woe!
Her dreams are crushed. Nothing to live for.


Here am I. I am here. She is there. No more! Approaching.

She is here. I am here. We are here.
Cry to me! I hear you. I understand. My sorrows are your sorrows.

You.
Are all that matter to me.
Life, for me, has purpose.
I have you to live for.
To hold you, to see your tears cease, is the dream I have now.

For when I stop.
Care about someone else.
You, anyone; if you are in pain,
Your world becomes my world.
And I no longer matter to myself.
This. Is my meaning.
To love you.


~~~
This one was unearthed in my computer files. It's entitled, "Ice Cream in Heaven":

Unbearable heat
Sweating and panting
Oppressive, smothering
Bright exhausting scorching sun
Eyelids close
Soft death

And then

In your hands, joy,
Sweet, sugary, cold joy
Lick the heavenly cream
Pure, untouched goodness
Catch the cool drips
Then the sweet crunch
Sticky smiles
Soft relief

~~~
God bless.

Monday, October 24, 2011

Silence

Silence: a third of the title of this blog. I think it's high time I clarified what this means to me.

We focused a lot on silence at my eccentric, bona fide church last night. More specifically, we focused on hearing God's voice. Although we didn't talk about this passage last night, it means a lot to me when it comes to the value of silence:

1 Kings 19:11-13a NIV
"The Lord said [to Elijah], 'Go out and stand on the mountain in the presence of the Lord, for the Lord is about to pass by.' Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the Lord, but the Lord was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake. After the earthquake came a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper. When Elijah heard it, he pulled his cloak over his face and went out and stood at the mouth of the cave."

So only when Elijah heard the quiet, was God's voice also heard.

Last night we spent over half an hour in silence and in prayer. Everyone in the room (a good 100 people, I'd say) was kneeling, silent, praying, and listening. This might sound a little cult-ish to you, but we like to keep church weird, and we do atypical things like this to grow in our faith, not to brainwash ourselves.  It actually was a pretty amazing experience. Every now and then I would open my eyes to see other people lifting their hands to heaven, others rocking back and forth, others crying; each having a personal conversation with God. How God can have so many private conversations with so many different people at once, I won't try to understand, but the one he had with me was pretty cool so long as I could keep my mind focused. Listening can be very hard.

Listening is the reason I like to walk places without an ipod. Listening is the reason I can sit in silence in my room for hours doing homework or whatever, without iTunes on, or drive in the car without the radio. Listening is the reason I don't mind sitting alone in the dining hall every now and then, with the noise around me but no one talking directly to me.

I think listening is part of the reason my friend Stephen walks slower than anyone I know. It's one of his characteristics everyone knows him by, and he says he walks so slowly because he doesn't want to miss as much. The slower you walk, the more you can take in. Once, I looked out the window and saw him walking outside. He passed a tree and looked up into it, observing who knows what, a bird or squirrel or something, and slowly, slowly walked by, absorbing whatever he saw in this tree, letting it speak to him in a unique way. And I thought, any other person would have completely missed whatever beauty Stephen just witnessed, because they would have been rushing to here or there rather than listening or observing the world around them.

While I speculate that Stephen does this as much, if not more for, the visual than for the auditory, I'm sure he still gets a lot more sound input in doing what he does than the average person. I'm sure he finds God in the silence.

In listening to silence, you will probably find that it doesn't exist. Go out and sit in the middle of the woods. Listen, and you will find that your world is filled with noise. Shut yourself in a sound-proof room and your thoughts will scream in your head; you will hear no silence. It's about listening. If you listen, God will speak. If you wait, God will act. If you are still, God will move. It sounds paradoxical, but it's true.

Therefore silence is a beautiful sound. It's our job to listen.


God bless.

Monday, October 17, 2011

3:30 blogging

I am a terrible writer when it's late and I'm tired (it's currently 3:20 a.m.) but I felt like blogging so I am going to write a story that I got the idea for like 2 minutes ago. It is definitely a true story that you should believe whole-heartedly

One time it was Valentine's day and I was feeling so lonely and sad and I was moping and crying becaus eI was single and that was just dumb of me then all of a sudden I heard the mail man come so I rushed to the mailbox and low & behold there is something for me. It was a secret admirer Valentine! There was an array of flowers that were hand drawn on the envelope. When I opened it up I gasped. It was so elaborate, I knew in that moment that the sender of this Valentine was to be my future husband. So I took it to a handwriting specialist who examined the handwriting and identified it as Gregory Gragg's handwriting. Gasp. Not Gregory Gragg!

At this point I decided to run away because life just didn't make sense anymore. So I packed my few belongings and headed south. Eventually I got to an ocean (I think it was the tip of Florida) but I didn't think I was far enough away from where I started so I began to swim. Then I remembered I am completely deaf and my hearing aid went bad from the water so I didn't hear the Giant Wave coming until it was too late; the damage was done. What kind of wind causes a mini-tsunami to just come out of nowhere?

Well as the story goes I was washed ashore only this time I landed in the middle of Mexico where I made many valentine's day friends and about 20 of the guys in my class asked me not only to be their Valentine but also whether I would marry them. I said no I am waiting for the right guy. Then this curly-headed guy came up to me and said, "Hi, my name is Right Guy and I would like to be a part of your life. And you are?"

After a brief introduction I was now the surf-team coordinater [see how I tied that back in? See??]

I really want to ride on a train before.

This is hard because I get a thought and then all the older people in my classes can't remember what I just said and similarly I can't say how much I would have said to the man but I am running out of thoughts and they are coming faster than my fingers can go but most of them don't make sense either so I think it is Maryann's bedtime; but fortunately tomorrow is Saturday and therefore I can sleep Halleluia, Halleluia Praise the Lord place his holy name <3

In the morning I will see if any of this made any sense. I can't think or see straight right now. By the way I am sober right now...just very tired. Maybe sleepiness makes me high, haha.

Okay I love you all a lot and if you know me you should text me and/or be my friend always.

Published 3:34 a.m.


God bless.

Thursday, October 13, 2011

A very short book review- Redeeming Love

I wrote this about two weeks ago and intended to make it longer but decided I liked it as is. That's why it's so short, and I apologize, but you all should read this book. Afterward I'm going to share some song lyrics with you...

~~~

Redeeming Love by Francine Rivers was published in 1997, takes place around 1850, is based on the story of Hosea from the Old Testament, is one of the big reasons I have been slacking on blog posts, is dedicated "To those who hurt and hunger," and may have changed my life.

Hosea: a man of God who marries a prostitute. She runs away multiple times, but he always brings her back. Like God does for us. We push away the one who loves us; he just pulls us closer.

This book struck a personal chord for me. It was one of several factors that contributed to a huge decision I recently made.

~~~

"I am Understood?" by Relient K

Sometimes it's embarrassing to talk to you
To hold a conversation with the only one who sees right through
This version of myself
I try to hide behind
I'll bury my face because my disgrace will leave me terrified

And sometimes I'm so thankful for your loyalty
Your love regardless of
The mistakes I make will spoil me
My confidence is, in a sense, a gift you've given me
And I'm satisfied to realize you're all I'll ever need

[Chorus]
You looked into my life and never stopped
And you're thinking all my thoughts
Are so simple, but so beautiful
And you recite my words right back to me
Before I even speak
You let me know, I am understood

And sometimes I spend my time
Just trying to escape
I work so hard so desperately, in an attempt to create space
Cause I want distance from the utmost important thing I know
I see your love, then turn my back and beg for you to go

[Chorus]

You're the only one who understands completely
You're the only one knows me yet still loves completely

And sometimes the place I'm at is at a loss for words
If I think of something worthy I know that its already yours
And through the times I've faded and you've outlined me again
You've just patiently waited, to bring me back and then

[Chorus]

The noise has broken my defense
Let me embrace salvation
Your voice has broken my defense
Let me embrace salvation



God bless.

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

The Piano

This short story is about many of us, including me. A spin-off on the old classic. I wrote it in one sitting. Enjoy.


Once there was a piano. Fresh from the manufacturers, its shiny wood, smooth keys, and elegant design made it a spectacle to behold, and its delicately crafted array of strings and hammers were all perfectly in tune and in pristine condition. She was very proud and very lovely and very excited to make music.

A wealthy family bought the piano and took it home to their beautifully furnished living room. The mother could play and sing quite well, but her children abused it and did not appreciate its worth or the music. They would sit at the bench for half hour each day as instructed and glumly pound away at the keys. The piano would take the wrath because she knew that at the end of the day, the mother would caress her keys again and beautiful music would pour from her. The piano lived for those moments, and felt useless when she wasn't being played at all.

The youngest son, however, had a special gift for playing the instrument, and when he was grown and had a house of his own, his parents gave him the aging piano to keep in his own home. He loved the piano but he had a career now and sometimes the piano went weeks or even months without being played. She felt very lonely and sad, but she always clung the promise of being played again. One day the man she lived with sat in the living room staring at her for a long time. Out loud he said, "I would like to play piano more often, as I once had a great gift for music and I would like to revive that. However, I am going to need a more suitable piano. Besides, the local church needs a piano for their Sunday School room. How would you like to live in a church?" The piano, unable to respond, grew very nervous.

It wasn't long before several strong young men carried her to a van and then to a small church slightly off the beaten path. She was taken downstairs and into a small room with tables and chairs. From then on, she was played once a week as little children sang songs about God. The old woman who sat at the bench every week always complained about how out of tune the piano was and how the church wasn't investing itself in music.

Many years passed. Many different pianists played the old piano each week, and slowly the number of children that came fell. Eventually no children came at all, so the piano players didn't come either, and the piano went years without producing any music. She knew she was old and not very good at producing good music any longer. She felt completely worthless.

One day gave the piano a bit of hope, but it soon faded. More strong young men came and carried the piano and she found herself at a used piano store. The man at the store frowned at her and said she wasn't worth much but he would take her. She found herself in a dark, back corner of the store. When customers came, they never went over to her. Even if they did happen to glance at her, they could see that she was too beat up and worn to be of much worth.

The piano was tired of not making music. She hadn't been played in many years, but she knew that if someone would play her, her music would make listeners cringe. She thought it would be better if she was broken apart and her parts were used for other things, or even just thrown away. She didn't want to sit in the corner and feel like this anymore. She wanted her pain to end.

Then, one day, a man came into the store. He was tall and handsome and his hands looked sturdy and long, perfect for piano playing. The owner of the store saw him and looked very surprised to see the man. "What are you doing here?" he exclaimed. "You are a great concert pianist, and yet you go to a used piano shop to look for pianos?" The concert pianist smiled and said, "Yes, I am in need of a new piano for my home on which to practice for many hours. I need something with good endurance."

The store owner took the man around to the finest pianos he had in his store, but the concert pianist seemed disinterested in all of them. Then he saw the piano in the corner in the back. "What about that one?" he asked. "It is very old and broken in several places. You would not be interested in such a piano." "How old is it?" the concert pianist asked. When the store owner told him the year, the concert pianist smiled knowingly at the dusty old piano. "You are very enduring indeed. How would you like to come home to my living room and play music again?" The store owner gasped. "You want this piano?" I assure you it is not very expensive, but do not be assured of anything else. It is practically worthless. The concert pianist retorted, "Are you claiming I don't know pianos? I'll take it." And with that, the piano had found a new home.

The concert pianist took great care in transporting the piano. When it was finally placed in his luxurious, carpeted living room, the piano felt very uncomfortable and out of place. "I don't belong here," she thought, "I am not worth being played at all, let alone by this great pianist with so much talent." But before she knew it, the concert pianist was at the bench, extending his fingers, and he began to play. He played a simple tune, then said, "Alright, let's get to work." He took out a box of tools, and all through the night, the piano got key replacements, tuning, dusted, and polished. Then the concert pianist played again; this time a much more complex and beautiful piece. He sighed contentedly, said "I knew what you were worth; what kind of music you were capable of. You only needed the right care and the right pianist, didn't you?"

Then he got up and went to sleep after a long night of work, but the piano sat there, bursting with joy at her newfound abilities, her restored hope, and the music she had been wanting to make all along.


God bless

Monday, October 3, 2011

Ichthus

"A sense of deity is inscribed on every heart." -John Calvin


Almost every day for several years I have worn a wooden necklace shaped like an ichthus (christian fish) with the word "JESUS" written on it. I prefer to wear it more than a cross necklace because of the origins of the ichthus and what it symbolizes. In the times of the early church, there was a lot of christian persecution. Jesus was sweeping the nations in secret because if the Roman government found you out, you could be killed. So christians had to be able to find a way to identify one another without showing any outward sign of their faith. Because of Jesus' "fishing for men" analogy (Matthew 4:18-22), they developed this fish sign. If a christian were to meet a stranger in the street, they would draw on the sand half of the ichthus:
And if the stranger also happened to be a christian, they would complete the ichthus with their own foot:

These pictures aren't perfectly to scale but I think you'll be able to see what I mean. Once the two found out they were both followers of Jesus, they knew they could trust each other, tell each other about secret meetings with other followers, and even confide in one another.
If the stranger didn't happen to be a christian, they would hopefully just think you were scribbling in the sand with your foot.

Hence, I prefer wearing an ichthus to wearing a cross because a cross says "This is my faith, unless I am just wearing this for decoration," whereas an ichthus says "This is my faith that I want to share with you, I want to identify with you in a meaningful way."


I was hanging out with my friend perhaps roughly a month ago when he told me how much he liked my necklace. Knowing he wasn't a believer, I told him I'd give it to him if he promised to wear it every day. (This idea came from my friend Beyan who was a camp counselor with me and gave his cross necklace to a camper who really liked it, on the grounds that the camper promised to tell everyone what the necklace meant and who Jesus was.) My friend seemed reluctant to make such a promise, so I continued to wear it daily around my own neck.

Just a few days ago, this same friend commented once again on how much he liked my necklace. I told him the same thing again and once again he seemed not-so-sure he could make such a promise. But I knew he liked it and I felt a little push from God that said, "Give it to him. He needs it and you don't." I realized I was being selfish because obviously I like this necklace a lot too, but I took it off and put it around his neck. I told him it was his now and he said pretty excitedly, "I'll wear it every day that ends in Y!" I told him Jesus looked good on him, and he told me Jesus looks good in him, which is so true.


It's true for everyone, really, and not a lot of people realize that. Many say, I am content in my own faith and where I am, or I am content not believing in a god because what has God ever done for me? or even I am content not knowing exactly what I believe, because I am getting along fine in life as is.
Etc...

But the truth is, everyone is dying and in need of a savior. There are people in this life that might save you from something bad happening, even from dying, but no one can save you from dying altogether. It's bound to happen at some point. What we need saved from is beyond this life. If you don't believe in Heaven or Hell, fine, but just remember that what you believe doesn't determine reality.

The truth is, (and I mean that phrase quite literally), Jesus looks good on and in everyone. Because, believe it or not, you and him are meant to be together. Like soul mates, like two peas in a pod, like long-lost twins.
(This is what my necklace looked like only with a black chord not a gold chain)

God bless.