Saturday, April 28, 2012

Beloved Camper

A post I wrote last August but never published because I never finished it:


Camp is officially over (but I am one of the lucky few who is working an extra week). It's been a good summer. Unfortunately I am out of the practice of writing.

Last summer I met a camper who found a special place in my heart. He'd never heard of Jesus before but I told him what I could; he and I were (not technically) alone for a long time and we had a long conversation. He asked me if he could pray and I said yes so that little 7-year-old bent his head and folded his hands and prayed a silent prayer, and I prayed too. He had so many questions. He was so curious. I did my best to help him and answer his surprisingly deep, thoughtful inquisitions. He was so thirsty for Jesus, he kept wanting more. When I hugged him good-bye at the end of the week, I never thought I would see him again, but knew I would never forget him.

Well, I did see him again. This past week. Seeing him was just as amazing as last year. He had more questions. There was so much basic stuff about God and christianity that he just didn't know. And yet he asked complex questions, such as "Who is, no, what IS God?" Well, an 8-year-old won't understand what a superior, divine spirit is, so I tried to explain how he was the most good, powerful, perfect person of all and how he made everything in the world. This boy also asked a lot of questions about the difference between God and Jesus. I guess I can see how that would be a little confusing for someone so young. He was pretty uneducated, but he's probably one of the smartest campers I've ever had. He said he wished he had a Bible. I told him I would do my best to get him one. On the last day I told him I had one for him and that he could have it at the end and he kept asking for it all day. It was awesome how excited he was. As soon as I handed it to him, he opened it up and started looking through it.

He said a few times he doesn't get to see his dad. He sounded like he missed him. Children, I don't think they can fully take in events all the time, he told me his dad threw a bottle then he had to go to jail. His dad was not allowed to see him and he went to jail "a lot" and used to beat up his girlfriend but doesn't do it anymore. Those were pretty much his words. I'm sure there's more to the story than that, but through the eyes of a child, that's how it was.

He was a good kid. Real nice. Not always super social with the other campers; he didn't really fit in real well.


...and that's all I wrote.


God bless.

God Hears You (Minimalism Project)

For my advanced theory class, we had to compose a piece using the styles of minimalism, post-minimalism, or serialism. I chose minimalism.

To listen to my piece, click this link and download it. If it sounds like crap/static, it's not because the file's messed up. It's just because that's what it sounds like.
https://docs.google.com/open?id=0B1EW_PU9B5GBU2hEX3RpVXp6WFE

And then I wrote a paper about it.


“God Hears You” has a lot of meaning behind the noise. It functions as a tape loop, but it goes in reverse of the typical tape loops of Terry Riley. That is to say, rather than starting with one track and adding more until everything is more or less a drone or vibration, this piece starts out sounding like a drone, then voices drop out one by one until all that’s left is a single voice.

The loop is Amber [last name] saying “You know what, like, God hears you,” in the context of a mostly one-sided conversation where I started recording and instructed her to tell me about some of her experiences or encounters with God. She took it from there. There are 29 tracks of equal volume going at once at the beginning of the piece, and they drop out one by one until only one voice is left, repeating the phrase.

I wanted this piece to be symbolic of the confusion and clouded view of the world and of God from a person who does not understand God or the relationship they can have with him. Everything is a blur and God is not easily heard or understand. As the voices or tracks drop out, a clearer voice slowly emerges from the woodwork, and the person begins to understand. The end of the piece symbolizes a conversion moment, when the message God is trying to convey to the person becomes clear with no obstructions, and their eyes are opened. They get it, and they want that relationship with the Lord.

When I was listening to the recording of Amber’s entire “speech,” I toyed with several phrases I wanted to use for this piece, including, “It’s in John,” “He must become greater,” “God made me,” “breath of God in me,” “encounter God,” “second chance,” “right to the heart,” “He cares,” and “give hope (to these people).” I chose the phrase I did based not only on the meaning but on the inflection of her voice: on the way I thought it would sound when it was repeated over and over. Amber didn’t appreciate that she had said “like” in the phrase once she heard the piece in its completion, but I thought her verbal tic as well as the “you know what” adds to the “conversational” feel of the phrase. She wasn’t just reading a script. In fact, I thought the phrase “you know what” emphasized even more the idea that she was trying to convey that God hears us and wants to know us.

Although not all minimalist pieces appeal to me in sound (and neither does this one, particularly), it has special meaning for me. A friend of mine recently came to Christ, describing her experience as her eyes finally being opened, so I have been thinking about that analogy a lot lately, and have applied it to my piece. Although this was probably the easiest composition project to put together, I put much more thought into the meaning itself than I have for any other piece I have written for theory.


God bless.

Friday, April 27, 2012

18,216

Eighteen thousand, two hundred sixteen. That's how many times my blog has been viewed. That's... incredible. I just wanted to give a big
to every single person who has ever read my blog.

They changed the layout of blogger (for the writer, not the reader) recently, so it was only a few days ago that I found out this number was so high. Until then, I didn't think my tally had even been above 300. The number for my "profile" views was the number I thought were my actual blog views.

At first when I saw this gargantuan number (spelled gargantuan right on the first try!), I thought it had to be a glitch. Something had to be messed up. But no. It's true. I'm amazed, even overwhelmed. I feel a little famous almost. People I've heard of before are reading things I've written. How cool is that? It puts on the pressure for me to write well, but maybe I've already made a difference in a few lives.

Basically, I'm honored. Thank you.

So, because I love you all so much and because I'm extremely grateful to you, I'm going to share some more pictures of Snoopy with you that I found on the internet. By the way, fact about me: I love Snoopy and the Peanuts gang. And Charles Schulz. So enjoy.














God bless.

I AM

I just purchased "Great I Am" by New Life Worship on iTunes. It's a great praise song and when I woke up with it stuck in my head this morning, I knew it was time to invest in having it for myself.

In my contemplating of the phrase I Am in the shower this morning, my mind, naturally, went back to the origin of said phrase. In Exodus 3, Moses is looking into a burning bush and hearing the voice of God telling him to go back to Egypt and demand that Pharaoh let God's people go. When Moses asks what he should tell the Israelites when they ask the name of the God that sent him, God replies, "I AM WHO I AM. This is what you are to say to the Israelites: 'I AM has sent me to you.'"

What the heck does that mean?

I don't know what scholars say about this. I haven't studied it. But here's what I thought in the shower: I am implies two things simultaneously: mystery and certainty.

The mystery of God. I am... what? You are what, God? Are you going to finish your sentence? Hellooooo?

Nope. He's not going to finish his sentence. That's all there is to it. We're not supposed to know all that God is. If we did, we would be God. There are certain things we know about God. We know that he loves us and forgives us. We know that he created us. We know that he is good. We know these things because they're in the Bible and because he has demonstrated them to us. But there's more to him. There's a vastness beyond our comprehension. Yes, we know he loves us, but how much does he love us? Can we even wrap our minds around it? He even demonstrates this mystery through nature. Recently, I learned about "dark matter." It's this stuff in space, and we don't know what it is because it doesn't light up, nor is anything shining light on it for us to see. The only reason scientists know it's there is because of its gravity: it keeps stars "held" into the galaxy rather than those stars being flung into space for lack of gravity that is accounted for. I haven't studied up on dark energy, but apparently it makes up 70% of the universe. What?? 25% of the universe is dark matter. That leaves us in the 5% range of the "normal matter." Scientists have learned a lot, but there is still so much mystery. Don't you think God keeps that to himself for a reason? Don't you think he wants to remain mysterious for a reason?  It's a beautiful thing.

The certainty of God. I am. That's it. Trust it. It's not "I might be," "I sometimes am," or "I like to be."
It's "I am."

Psalm 46:10 says, "Be still and know that I am God." He is love, he is goodness, he is life. He is mercy and grace. He is creator, he is light. He is all these things and a zillion more. He is. Be still, child.

Why doubt? He is. Why worry? He is. Why fear? He is. There's no doubt about it. He is, definitely. Put your trust in that. Build your house on the Rock because it is and will not falter (Matthew 7:24-27).

So, God is the I AM. Works for me.


God bless.

Thursday, April 12, 2012

Why Shopping is Depressing

The other day I went to Kohl's to get a new Easter dress, and since Walmart is right next to Kohl's, I stopped there too for some snacks and some other things.

Kohl's was all confusing because they just had their grand re-opening, so a lot of things were re-arranged. Being as disconcerted as I was, I wandered around aimlessly for a good 5 minutes before I got the presence of mind to look at clothes.

I ended up getting the only dress I tried on--a cute but modest jean dress, and some brown high heels. Sarah later told me they would make me look like a cowgirl.

Exactly how my dress looks (except in denim):


I had a coupon for $10 off and 20% off so it was rather inexpensive (as both of them were already on sale in the first place) and paid with Mom's Kohl's card. I was feeling pretty good about my purchase. Side note: a lot of times when I am shopping with other people and they decide to buy something, I ask them how they feel about their purchase or whether they felt their shopping trip was a success. I was shopping by myself, but if I had asked myself this question at this time, I would have said I felt pretty good about my experiences so far.

Then Walmart came to my life: the big, looming, colorful American-made warehouse made of fake yellow smiles.



I wandered around feeling depressed because I was alone (although it must have only been self-conscious because it didn't dawn on me until the drive home that this weird sad shopping feeling occurs much more frequently when I shop alone), and anxious because the refrigerated section of the store dries out my eyes. And let me tell you. Dry eyes make me squint, and squinting makes my eyes tired, and tired eyes trick my brain into thinking my whole body is tired, and I become physically fatigued.

But the biggest struggle is not the aloneness, or the dry eyes/physical fatigue. It is is deciding what to buy.

Yes, I had a list. Food products and lady products were basically what it consisted of. But buying panties involves a lot of discernment and focus. You want the best kind for the best price, and you have to decide what looks good on you without trying anything on. And when it comes to food, pretty packaging makes everything look delicious, but you know you can't buy all the food in Walmart because there's no way you'll eat it all. You just wish you could.



You know it's bad when you constantly have to battle yourself over whether or not to buy something. If something looks cool, you want to buy it. Then you remember it will cost money and that you can't just go spending your money willy-nilly based on impulses and whims. So if you decide to buy it you will feel depressed because you spent money you shouldn't have, and if you decide not to buy it, you will feel depressed because you didn't get that thing you wanted. And you just stand there gazing at the product feeling depressed.

For example, this happened to me when I was walking past the swimsuits on my way to the food section. I thought, "Ooh, I could use a new swimsuit for camp this summer! Something cute but modest. Something I don't have to wear a t-shirt over like I have done in the past." And I browsed all kinds of swimsuits. Then I saw it: The perfect most adorable little swimsuit skirt I have ever seen. It would adequately cover my rear and it was oh-so-cute. Then I saw the price tag: $16, and it didn't even come with a top. Ahhhh, inner turmoil! I had to turn down the offer. It was just too much money. It was horrible.

I feel like the devil manifests himself in Walmart (and virtually all places to shop) because of how talented he is at appealing to people's selfishness. Especially mine.



And so I drove home rubbing my recovering eyes and feeling sad and upset with myself, all because I had bought food and other various things that I legitimately needed.

I have yet to figure out what to do to solve this problem for when I go shopping, but I think I'll take a friend along as often as possible to distract me from my own self-serving tendencies and self-loathing nature. And I might also take along a few eye drops.




God bless.

*Please note: I have nothing against Walmart itself. If you are a devout Walmart customer, or if you work at Walmart, or if you have any association with Walmart whatsoever, I promise I think no less of you for it, and I am honored that you are reading my blog. Thank you.

Monday, April 9, 2012

Easter = Sugar

Hi, today is the day after Easter Sunday and I have probably consumed more sugar in the last 36 hours than have in the last 46 days. It's a problem.

Today I went running. It was noticeably, but not significantly, more difficult than when I ran on Saturday, when I was eating mostly semi-healthy foods.

Here's how my Easter went down, for those of you that are curious:

I went to bed the night before wide awake because I (foolishly) had caffeine in my system, and when I woke up Easter morning, I was pretty tired because I hadn't slept well. I got up, washed my dreads, put on my brand new jean dress and brown shoes, realized I was going to be late for church and ran out the door.

I scooted in next to my Mom, brother, sister (who all left before me), and aunt right before the service started. It was a lovely service of "He is risen indeed! Alleluia!"s and the choir singing beautifully and communion and all that jazz. Jesus was alive in that room and in our hearts.

After that was the Easter breakfast in the fellowship hall, where I pigged out on pancakes and sausage and potato-egg-casserole-thing and fruit and a cinnamon roll and orange juice and a few jelly beans. We got our pictures taken by the Easter lilies then cleaned up breakfast and went home.

I don't remember much of what happened at home then, probably because nothing really happened, other than the three of us kids finding our hidden Easter baskets full of presents.

We went to my uncle's house which was fun. We had a delicious linner/dunch/lupper...thing (complete with champagne--YUM). Even though I'm one of the "big kids" (the oldest child on that side of the family), I got to search for Easter eggs with the little ones. It was fun but I found by far the fewest eggs. The day before I searched for eggs in my backyard with my brother and sister. I found the most then, because I knew they're old and competent enough to find eggs (even if they are hidden rather well), so I aggressively ran around trying to find the most. On Easter, though, I just walked around lazily looking around, and ended up finding a total of 8 eggs. But I chowed down on the candy I got and the boston cream (creme?) pie my mom made and drank some good old Coca Cola. I played a couple fervent games of Foosball with my cousins, then we went home (but we had to turn back after 5 minutes because I forgot my coat).

The worst thing about this part of the day was the flatulence, which I confided to my sister about. I wasn't sure if it was from the sudden intake of sugar, or the asparagus I'd had a lunch/dinner. Probably the asparagus. Those were some silent but deadly ones. Trying to use the restroom several times didn't help. Why am I putting this on the internet?

I went home and crashed and probably ate more sugar and then did nothing (that I can recall) and went to bed. Yay Jesus Day!

Okay, so my version of "celebrating" might be a little weird, but I'm awful happy Jesus is alive. He has been speaking to me lately, and I am trying to listen. I'm not very good at that, but it's a work in progress. He's persistent, so that's helpful.

In conclusion, today I traded all my candy (except my dark chocolate) for all my brother's dark chocolate. So now I have a bunch of Easter dark chocolate; candy that not only will I enjoy eating more, but that I will actually not feel too bad about. Also I will not feel guilted into eating it just because I have it like I will other candy. That would just be a bad idea. The end.

I'm sorry about this blog post.


God bless.