Grown-Up

C.S. Lewis said, "The first step to humility is to realize you are proud. To think you're not conceited, means you are indeed."


This morning as I was taking my shower I was having an imaginary conversation with someone in my head. I will not disclose this child's identity, but in my head she asked me why my boyfriend broke up with me, and in my head I replied, "Because I am a grown-up and he is not."


I proceeded to come up with reasons why I was a grown-up, unlike him, the biggest ones being because I know what love is and I can think for myself.


And yet, how did I treat him? Did I treat him with love and forgiveness? Or did I act like a child full of anger and resentment? My dear friends, I regret to inform you that it was the latter.


Perhaps I am not a grown-up at all.


When I called him to apologize, I was not surprised or even offended at all that he did not answer. I left a message telling him I was wrong; said that I hoped he'd forgive me. Sometimes you have to lower yourself below the other person, no matter how wrong you think they were, you cannot deny that you did not act like a saint either, and that is reason enough to ask for forgiveness, to confess that you were wrong. 


So yes, I'm proud. I think I am great and wonderful and better than him. It's terrible. I am so proud, more than I'd like to admit. 


But admitting it does not automatically make me humble, either. If it did, I'd be caught in an endless loop of, "I admit I am proud, and therefore I am humble. But since I have admitted to being humble, I am certainly proud." Now wouldn't that be ridiculous? But in confessing I am proud, for surely I am, maybe, just maybe, I have taken the first step toward humility.


 And maybe someday I will be a grown-up.


God bless.