Crappy Job

Lately I have been feeling like I am doing a pretty crappy job at just about everything I do. I feel guilty and ashamed about it.

For example, at my work, I feel that I have failed several of my clients lately. I got angry and lost my patience with one of my clients who is extremely mentally unstable. I failed to pick up on the fact that one of my clients is much more depressed than normal. (In fact, while I am otherwise very well designed, even created, for the field of mental health, I lack one important piece: the ability to pick up on subtle social cues.) I have not visited my clients that are in the hospital. I have not gotten my paperwork done and am far behind in productivity. I have been unable to help a client who is homeless and hungry.

The other night I was babysitting a one-year-old and he fell and hit his head. I wasn't able to grab him in time. I left the parents with a baby with a bump on his head, and with a very messy house.

I regularly fail my roommates when it comes to patience for their shortcomings and even their innocent quirks. I also fail to do my chores a lot of the time.

I haven't had a decent workout in months and I am gaining weight slowly but surely.

I haven't been writing much.

I committed to go a year without dating but I still struggle to keep this covenant in my mind, i.e. thinking about who I would like to date, longing for past relationships (even the ones that I know I should never have been in in the first place), daydreaming about my future husband, putting marriage on a pedestal. When my eyes are opened to these recurring thoughts, I remember how bad I am at fixing this part of my life on my own and how far I still have to go.

I have skipped my Bible-reading for a number of days now.

I have not practiced my instrument despite the pressure of being in a college orchestra.

It seems like the only area of my life I have been excelling in lately is cooking. For some reason I have been a kitchen magician for the last week or so, resulting in lots of yummy leftovers to save time and money later. But even then, I wonder about the fact that I am probably just making my weight gain worse, and doing a disservice to my roommates by crowding the refrigerator.


I suppose it's good to be reminded that I am a crappy human being who does a crappy job at just about everything.
Thank God for amazing grace.


God bless.